“Come let me love you, let me give my life to you. Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms. Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you. Come, let me love you, come love me again”. That was going to be my very own personal vowels when I got married again, because, well, that’s how I would truly feel for someone when I’m in love. I really do want to drown in their laughter, and I do want to eventually die in their arms. But being married again sadly doesn’t appear to be in the cards for me, hasn’t been in quite some time really. So that’s why when my oldest daughter got married on New Year’s Eve 2018, being the father of the bride, I knew it was my duty to give the first official toast to the newly wedded couple that night. And because I firmly believed in these words and what they meant, I used this very heartfelt verse from John Denver’s song that I had been saving over many years for myself, for them instead (tweaking a few of the words to make it sound just right of course).
Anybody that knows me, knows how important my two very beautiful, very intelligent, and very down to earth daughters are to me (I know, spoken just like a proud poppa right?). Truth is, I don’t deserve to have kids like them. As many times that I fucked up, fucked around, made a fucking mess of myself (have I used the word “fucked” enough describing myself here?) while raising them, it is a small miracle that they both came out as bright and level-headed as they are. And both of them are college graduates too….seriously? WHAT?, how is that possible? But all the credit goes to them for each of their successes in life and their accomplishments, and too in some part to their mother as well. And truthfully, as much as it pains me, I was much better at being a father to my youngest daughter than I was to my oldest. There’s over a 9 year age gap between the two girls, and when my oldest child was still in her formative years, I was an immature mess. I failed miserably at setting what life’s priorities should have been at the time, along with what really should have been the most important part of my life – being a role model for her, and a better husband to her mother as well. And for that, I will never be able to fully forgive myself. How she came out to be the wonderful adult that she is now, I have no answers? My pride for her, actually for both of my children is immeasurable, beyond words really. Fortunately by the time the youngest daughter rolled around, I was more mature, more career-oriented, and somewhat had my shit together (but not fully of course, hell I may still not now?). It wasn’t fair of course to the oldest to see me being a better father for her little sister, but maybe, perhaps, possibly, it made her stronger in a way? At least that’s what I like to think, but most likely she would have still turned out to be the great person that she is now, with or without me.
And now I’m going to be an official grandfather for the first time. I say “official”, because I was a step grandfather (or as they called me “Poppy”) to my ex’s 4 grandchildren. And as hard as I tried, I knew it was somewhat different. Those 4 kids, as great as they are and hopefully will be as adults, weren’t my kids’ kids. So of course the feelings were a little different, I tried not to show it, but it was apparent I’m sure. Except for maybe one child?, her oldest son’s oldest daughter. Now that girl, yea she had my heart. If you ever met her, you’d understand. My very own grandfather was 57 when I came into the world, and now I will have just turned 58 when I see mine for the very first time. And without any doubt, I will love this child just as much as I love it’s mother and it’s aunt. And I’m looking so very forward to that day. Because the love I have for my kids, and my kids’ kids, well, it fills up my senses.