“Yeah I know your trust has been broken, and you’re scared to leave yourself open. And those walls are high that you’ve built, and them cracks, they were all man made and you’re trying to fix it with a band-aid. And tell yourself it’ll help but it never will. So while I’m waiting on you to stop chasing what’ll mistreat ya, getting temporary love that’ll leave ya. Just getting through what broke your heart in two. Yeah I’ll be waiting on you and become the man you’ve been needing. Waiting for the day that you see it. And when you do, it’ll lead you to, the guy that’s waiting on you.” So my first blog of 2023, and quite honestly it would be fine with me if it’s my last blog of this new year, or any year really? Because the older I get (after all, in a few short months I’ll officially be in my 60’s), the more I’m starting to give up hope that I will ever find love again. Actually all I really desire is to find a best friend to share experiences with, sex and laughter with (hopefully not at the same time?), travels and adventures with, and honestly to experience whatever the joy and pain that still remains in however many years are still left in this rapidly fleeting life of mine. But after what is closing in on almost 3 years in this new chapter of my life now, I’m about to give up hope on all those dreams. Because one thing that I have learned is that most all of us single men and women at our age are somewhat broken and scarred. We’ve all been damaged somehow by others that we have loved before, either intentionally or not. So now because of that, we’re scared to open our hearts up to the possibility of it being trampled on, torn apart, and thrown to the curb yet again. I get it, I really do. And in all honestly, I’m there with you too.
I’ve had the good fortune in dating several beautiful women in these past almost 3 years. Each one of them with big hearts, good careers, and intelligent minds. And all of them broken in some way, just like myself. But like I said, who ain’t at our age right? Life man, sometimes it can kick you in the ass. Just ask two very good friends of mine that I’ve known since we were all very young. Well actually you can’t ask them, because they both decided to end their lives this past year. They too were broken, in a very deep, dark place that they both thought suicide was their only way out. Now that’s a place that I can never envision being, but in a way, I get it. It gets lonely, you start doubting yourself. Asking is it worth it?, all this pain, self-doubt, loneliness and turmoil? And if there is someone special, but they’re either not available emotionally or simply they just don’t have those same feelings for you as you do them?, or perhaps they’re stuck in a hapless marriage or relationship that they can’t ever envision getting out of? And where does that really leave you? Well, simply put, it leaves you waiting. Waiting for exactly what though? Besides just more self-doubt, loneliness and turmoil?
I know all this seems somewhat dark and depressing, but honestly right now at this very moment it’s how I feel. Maybe it’s because I’m only halfway thru my official six-month dating hiatus that I’m currently going thru thanks to the directive of my therapist. Who says that I need to learn to love myself before I can actually love anyone else. And by “anyone else“, her desire for me is to start dating someone at that time who is not like anyone else that I’ve ever been attracted to before. Someone totally outside my comfort zone apparently. And I have no idea who that would be?, or even what that means exactly? I’ve never dated anyone outside my race, or someone my daughters’ age, or anyone wearing a red MAGA hat, or someone that didn’t at least make me laugh just a little bit. So I’m totally clueless on who that might actually be? I’ve dated blondes, brunettes, and even went out with a red-head. So unless they’re bald?, then I can’t go by that. And as I alluded to before, anyone around our age has already been damaged. So maybe there is no one for me now after all this time? And I need to stop hoping?, and stop waiting?, and just start living and being content with going solo until my very last breath? And as she said, “learn to love myself” and be happy with just that? So to everyone that I have had the fortune to spend time with over these past almost 3 years, I do hope you get through what broke your heart in two. And that the guy that you’ve been needing, will be waiting on you. I just know it’s not me, because I’m out. I’ve given up.
I don’t understand why you don’t put yourself first. You can still date. Just change your expectations. Understand that you were born alone and you will die alone, like everyone else. You do not need another person to make you whole.