“Christmas is the time of year, for being with the ones we love. Sharing so much joy and cheer. What a wonderful feeling, watching the ones we love having so much fun. Why can’t it remain all through the year, each day the same? That’s what I wanna hear. It’s truly amazing, that spirit of Christmas. All the kin folk gather round the lovely Christmas tree. Hearts are glowing full of joy, sense the gifts that we’re giving and the love we’re living. Why can’t it remain, oh all through the year?” So it’s the week of Christmas, the time of year that truly is special, whether you’re a follower of Christianity or any other religious affiliation (or maybe not even a believer at all?). Because most of us just have that wonderful feeling this time of year that Ray Charles sings about in this classic holiday song. The same song that’s playing in the movie ‘Christmas Vacation’ as Clark Griswold watches memories of past holidays from his own youth, on a reel-to-reel while stuck up in the attic. And those are the same type of special memories that I have as well. Memories that typically flood my mind during this time of year. Memories of those times in my life surrounded by all the people that I loved, my kin folk – my grandparents, my uncles and aunts, my mom, and of course my sister. People who are all ghosts to me now. Just like I too, will soon be a ghost to my own daughters and grandson. And to borrow from another classic Christmas movie, I do know that I have had a wonderful life. A life maybe not all deserved, but definitely appreciated. A life like most others, full of ups and downs and of joy and heartaches, of successes and failures. A life that as I look back on now has many regrets, but also a life that has given me some immense pride as well. Pride that I’ve helped raise two beautiful daughters who both have college degrees, and at least on the outside seem happy. And that’s really all a dad can ask for right?, especially when he looks back on his own life.
And if I could speak to those ghosts of my past life now, what would I say? To begin with, I would thank each and every one of them. For helping to guide and mentor me to become a loving father to those same two daughters. And also providing me all those years ago with the care, compassion and direction to be the man that I eventually turned out to be, because I really don’t think they would be disappointed. I mean they never seemed to be when they were all alive, no matter how hard I tried to convince them otherwise with many of those foolish mistakes that I made back in my youth. And I would would tell each and every one of them how I much loved them, and how much I miss them still after all this time. And how much I wish they all could meet my grandson now. Especially my grandfather, for him to see his grandson that he loved so much, with those same exact feelings that he had about me. Feelings of pride, joy and love for his own grandson.
I write all this too because of the homework assignment that my therapist has given me, which was “what is it that I feel like I deserve in life and in love?” Not an easy question, and certainly not a easy answer to that question either. Because honestly, I think I have already had everything in life that I deserve. A family that looked out after me and kept me safe when I was young. A family that despite it’s own shortcomings and many flaws, shared so much joy and cheer (especially during this time of year). So I know that if I never do find love again with someone special, it’s okay. Because I realize that I was always surrounded by love to begin with. Starting at a very young age with all these ghosts looking after me, and now with the three people in my life that are most important to me at this much older age. So it really is such a wonderful feeling, watching the ones we love having so much fun. And it truly is amazing, that spirit of Christmas – past and present. And truthfully, I really don’t deserve anything more than that.
I hope you have a nice Christmas. Monday will be better. You gave more than you got.
I read some of your comments. We as a culture are taught that we can only achieve stability through a relationship. Reality is that most of us stayed single and/or divorced. Look at data to substantiate my statement. However, we still want to be part of a group, which is part of our cultural/genetic survival/security. You can mend yourself when you discover and accept that you have this social, group survival/security without another romantic relationship. Until then you will always set yourself up for heartache. But, the good part is that once your s.s. security doesn’t include dating and romantic relationships, you can date like crazy!! Good luck. I think you need to be kinder to yourself. Overeating and over drinking are only wrong if you are doing it for the wrong reason. If you genuinely like it, do it. You have paid your dues.