“I’m sitting here in this bar tonight, but all I’m thinking is I’m the same old story, same old act. One step up and two steps back. It’s the same thing night after night, thinking who’s wrong, and who’s right? When I look at myself, I don’t see the man I wanted to be. Somewhere along the line I slipped off track. I’m caught moving one step up, and two steps back.” So, yea I haven’t exactly been blogging a lot lately (actually haven’t really even thought about it to be honest). I would like to think of that as a good sign though? Like maybe I’ve finally come to terms with my life and all of it’s circumstances, good and bad? Or perhaps much of my healing has been helped along by my therapist that I’ve been seeing once every two weeks? She certainly seems to think that I’ve come a long way from that self-loathing shell of a man that first came into her office back in October. And she keeps harping so much positivity and encouragement on me, that after a while I guess I am starting to believe it myself? Hell, she actually even has me believing that maybe I am somewhat charming, hilarious, have a lot to offer, and not even bad on the eyes? So much so, that I even went on another solo adventure two weeks ago to celebrate this – with a trip to New Orleans. And no before you ask, I didn’t go into any seedy dives or gentleman’s clubs (seriously, at my age that’s a little icky now right?). No, I hit up a couple of different jazz bars, along with partaking in all of that delicious Cajun food there. And also I walked my ass off each day that week exploring everything that great city has to offer.
And before you ask, yes I am still in this six-month hiatus of not dating. I hated it at first, but now I understand why she asked me to do it. Because there is no guarantee in life that I will ever fall in love again. And of course there is NO GUARANTEE that someone will fall in love with me back (hell, much of my blogs have recounted that lesson in life right?). So if it is never meant to be, I have to find an inner-happiness and contentment with myself. Or else whatever still remains of the rest of my life will be nothing but loathing in self-misery. And I seriously don’t want that to happen. So I need to do more of what makes me happy, hence the traveling. God I love to travel, so that’s my intention – to do more of it. And to not continue to sit in some sort of holding pattern, waiting for that special someone. Because at my age, there’s more than a decent chance that it may never happen again? And while I haven’t been “officially” dating, as in asking someone out, picking them up at their house, wining and dining them, then walking them back to their door and maybe being invited in or just left at the doorstep with a kiss on the cheek, I haven’t exactly been anti-social either. Because I’m constantly at my favorite bar (yea, the ‘Cheers’ of Little Rock where everyone knows everyone), being surrounded by many of my friends – both male and female. And there is one in particular that I’ve known for almost 15 years, who is spending more and more time at this same said bar sitting with me and my friends, who keeps saying as soon as she’s divorced, she’s coming for me. Of course we laugh about it, because hell I don’t think she’s even filed yet? So not really sure how serious she is about her intentions, but whatever she decides, bottom line is I just want her to be happy. But it is still nice to hear a compliment like that, whether it ever does happen or not? And I have told her that if she ever does take that step, she definitely needs to date many more people than me. Because you can’t go straight from the fire to the frying pan as they say right? So have I been completely cured of my mild depression that I was experiencing for way too long? Maybe not quite 100% fully, but I can tell I’m getting closer every day. And I do know that all the therapy I’ve had since October has been a type of break thru for me. But my life is still much like I told a very good friend of mine a couple of weeks ago (and I might have been a little intoxicated at the time?, okay, fine I was) – my life right now is basically two steps forward, one step back. However, over time that extra step does add up, and before you know it, you’re doing so much better than before – which I am. And also the good news is, this new feeling of self-confidence that I’ve experienced has actually bled over into my work as well. I’m now closing more deals, pacing over 30% on my first quarter budgets, and on target to make more money this year than I have since 2019 – before Covid (hey what can I say?, those were good times). So at least my boss seems happy with me, or maybe just relieved somewhat that my mojo appears to be coming back? So yea, while I do miss the part of officially “dating” someone, I am getting used to in some ways to the world of not dating. And hey, it’s been saving me some money to help pay for all that therapy too.
So what will happen when those six months are up, and I’ve been unleashed back on society? I’m not really sure, though I know I won’t be in a rush to find out. Because when I was searching for love, I know it seemed to always backfire on me, and yea let’s be honest, I was somewhat pathetic at times. Always trying to prove myself to someone. And quite honestly, I failed miserably at handling rejection (because I took it way too personal). I don’t know why I did it, because it is all part of dating, finding your right fit. And I wasn’t that right fit for them, so a committed dating relationship was not in the cards. And I see it now, because finally I realize that it wasn’t personal at all. So any of the pain that I’ve gone thru these past 2 ½ years, was all self-inflicted on my part. No one that I’ve ever dated (whether it was just a few times, or it was on-and-off again over 2 years) intentionally went out of their way to make me feel bad about myself. They were just trying to find a comfortable fit in their life too. I get it now, fuck I finally get it! Took long enough right? So when I do look at myself today, I no longer see that man. The one who was always trying too damn hard, always trying to always prove himself to someone. Now I see the man that I want to be, again. That same man who was always confident of himself, very self-assured, successful in business and in life – before everything changed on a dime for him on that day back in May of 2020. That day when life decided to kick him in the ass. So yea, somewhere along the line, I did slip off track. And I caught myself constantly moving one step up and two steps back, while sitting at that same ol’ bar night after night, thinking that my life was the same old story, same old act. So while I still may stumble, and experience one step back from time to time?, I’m now more confident about myself, and where I go from here. So if anyone has enjoyed reading my blogs (and if that is the case?, thank you for all that time spent doing so), my apologies that these are becoming fewer and fewer. But maybe I’ll start blogging about my travels instead, and perhaps meeting new people too? And who knows, maybe someone will come along in my life once again? But I’m not going to look for it anymore. Perhaps they’ll find me?, or perhaps not? But either way I’m already two steps forward!