“And if you read between the lines, you’ll know that I’m just tryin’ to understand. The feelings that you lack, I never thought I could feel this way. And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it, I don’t know where we went wrong. But the feeling’s gone and I just can’t get it back”. Someone asked me recently if I was “ever going to get over her?”. Of course I tried to be cool and blow it off by saying “what you talking about Willis?”, but c’mon we were both smarter than that. The answer is …. well, maybe never?, or maybe it’s when I fall in love again? And I really do hope it’s the second part of that answer, and also that it won’t take forever to do that. Because lightening can strike twice right? As I’ve said before on a previous page, I had never experienced that kind of raw emotion in my life before. That feeling of your life not ever being complete before you had met, the two hearts beating as one thing, where you finish each other’s sentences, yata yata yata, blah, blah, blah. I know, as cheesy as it all sounds (and it does I grant you), until you’ve actually felt that, there’s no way to actually believe that it can exist in real life. And as heartbreaking and gut-wrenching as it was for me to go thru when we did split up (okay, fine, you win, “when she dumped me”), it was totally worth it to have lived those nearly 9 years feeling that way.
I say all this because, I truly want to feel it again. Yes, even if that means there’s that possibility of having my soul crushed yet one more time. Because there is no better feeling in this world, except for maybe the birth of your children? I’ve dated 3 different women since late summer (and by “dated” I mean multiple dates, intimacy, true feelings for that person), with the first one about 8 weeks after I had to start my life all over again. I will never name ‘names’ on my blog (as they say to protect the innocent), but all 3 were very special to me. One I dated much too soon after my break-up as I’ve said before, but that I still had strong feelings for and she said the feeling was mutual. One that is going thru her own pain due to her divorce 18 months ago and doing her very best to eventually get past that (same page there, so I definitely understand). And the other is a very sweet, smart woman who lost her father a few years ago and is still grieving at times over that. One, I could see myself possibly falling in love with at some point. And one that it might take me some time to develop those strong feelings for, but I know I’d be very lucky to be in a relationship with. And the other, well, to be honest, I might have fallen in love with her as soon as she walked in the door on our first date? All three of them beautiful, all three with great careers and doing very well on their own, and all three very funny in their own unique way, though there’s one who may be the funniest woman that I’ve ever met? (seriously, you should check her twitter page out). And all three of them can do so much better than me without any doubt whatsoever.
So while I don’t know where my future will take me, whether that’s finding love again with someone that I’ve already met?, or maybe with someone yet to be met that needs to be rescued just like myself?, I just know, okay, hope, that it will be sooner rather than later, and I’m able to discover that raw, deep emotion inside me once more. And if it ends badly again, I’ll gladly take my chances. Because life without being in love, to me is not a life at all. As Gordon Lightfoot would say – “When you reach the part where the heartaches come, the hero would be me. But heroes often fail, and you won’t read that book again. Because the ending’s just too hard to take”.