“Do you know where you’re going to, do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to, do you know? Do you get what you’re hoping for?, when you look behind you, there’s no open doors. What are you hoping for, do you know?” So no, I don’t know where I’m going to just yet, or if I’m going to eventually get what I’m hoping for. But while I do not yet know the answers to any of these self-examining questions, I do know one thing. No, I’m not depressed. And yes, while I do know many of the pages on my blog might give that impression otherwise, it’s all just therapy for me in a ways. By writing all of my deep thoughts down on paper, (okay fine, yes I know it’s not 1987 anymore, down on the keyboard then) it helps me to get thru this small part of my life, to look back and process the pain and rejection that I’ve had to go thru this past year. So yea, some of it is dark, I’m not ignorant to that fact. But please know this, I’ve always been a positive guy, always assuming that things were going to work out for me, someway, somehow. For some unexplained reason, I never even worried when I went thru cancer a few years ago. Not sure why I didn’t?, it would have been perfectly natural to worry and stress over the what-ifs with something that serious right? But I put it all in the doctors’ hands, they seemed far more than capable to deal with it after all. Besides, their education went so beyond my Bryant High school diploma and few years of college.
I think I’m a pretty good guy? I have many friends (old and new), co-workers and clients that I constantly surround myself with. They laugh at my jokes, or maybe it’s at me? Regardless, I love them all, they’re like family to me. And I know that they have all been concerned for me this past year and always asking if I’m doing okay?, do I need anything? So I know that they are always there for me at anytime, but like I tell them, I am doing okay actually. Really!, no I’m serious, for real, trust me! Fortunately for myself I’ve had no trouble with drawing the attention of women (yea, I don’t get it either?), apparently as hard as it is to believe, I’ve been told by several that “I’m a catch”. Which means I suppose at our age, if a guy still has all his teeth, no criminal record, and gainfully employed, then he should be on the cover of a “Little Rock’s Fifty Bachelors Over Fifty” article? And while I’ve had better years in my life of course, it’s as I’ve always told my youngest daughter when she’s had to deal with her own anxiety issues and starts stressing over the little things – “life is like a roller-coaster, so don’t get up too sky-high on those great days, but also don’t feel too low on those days that totally suck either. Because in the end, as long as you finish the ride and still facing forward, that’s all we can ask for”. Or something like that anyways, it’s been awhile since I’ve had to have that talk with her.
So the positive side of me knows (or at least hopes) that things will be okay. That I will get what I’m looking for in the end. Which is to continue working the same job with the same great group of people that I have been for the past 14 years, that I still have that close circle of friends that love me (though they would never admit that part), and that I will find that special woman in my life to fall in love with again, and who loves me back as well. I think Shakespeare said it best, “life without love really sucks”. No?, it wasn’t him?, well someone has said it, I’m sure of it. So maybe I can answer one of the questions that I asked then? I do like the things that life is showing me, and it’s getting better every day!