“What did you think I would do at this moment, when you’re standing before me. With tears in your eyes, trying to tell me that you have found you another. And you just don’t love me no more. What did you think I would say at this moment, when I’m faced with the knowledge that you just don’t love me. Did you think I would curse you or say things to hurt you, because you just don’t love me no more?” I’ve always loved this song, and the fact it was made famous on one of my most favorite shows of all time ‘ Family Ties’, with one of my most favorite television characters of all time – Alex Keaton, might have always had a little something to do with it? And like these lyrics say, we’ve all been there right?, that moment when we find out that the other person in your life just doesn’t love you anymore. Most will stand there right before you, emptying their soul and telling you how they truly feel, knowing they’re breaking your heart, but also knowing their very own happiness is what’s most important. And some might even cowardly inform you of their fateful decision by a phone call, a text, a sticky note on the fridge, or these days, just simply by ghosting you. And unfortunately some will even find out the hard way, by not having a discussion about it at all, but rather thru the adulterous act of being unfaithful and getting caught red-handed. Now with all due credit, I did have my heart broken the only way it should be, face to face, one on one, mano-a-mano. And though there weren’t any tears (only because I couldn’t breathe at that moment, much less cry), there was no cursing, or saying hurtful things, but there was pain, lots of pain, pain that I’m still dealing with at times now. Did she have pain when she let everything out you ask? that would be a question for her, because I’m not sure. She is quite a unique woman, with more strength inside her than anyone that I’ve ever met. And when she does make a decision for herself (no matter what it is), there is no looking back, no doubts, no remorse. It’s done, it’s in the rearview mirror, finite, shake the dirt off your hands, for better or worse never to be thought about again, on to the next chapter in the book of life.
Looking back at it all now, I’m not sure what might have been the most painful to get thru? Sure, me having to start my life all over at the age of 57 (which I know I’ve alluded to before) was definitely not easy. The routine of those past 9 years of going home everyday to someone to share meals with, laughter with, and companionship with, and then overnight to an empty apartment, alone, confused and depressed was, well, simply put, it kicked my ass mentally. I was drinking more, I was taking meds for depression, and I never doubted myself more at any point in my life. And I caught myself constantly looking back, instead of the path of going forward. She was already going forward, even quickly had a new man in her life, but it was (and still is in some ways) much more challenging for me. I’m not sure what she sees in her new guy ‘Ray’?, I don’t know him and have never met him, so I don’t have any answers. Maybe he’s loaded?, maybe he has a heart of gold? Looks-wise I don’t see it, she’s a beautiful woman, she could get so much better than him. But maybe it’s that she just needed a fresh start, leave what was the life she knew behind and escape the ghosts of her past, and start with a clean slate with no constant memories to remind her of our life together (the good and the bad, the ultimate highs and the tragic lows). And maybe he was there at the right place, at the right time for her? And if so, perhaps it was fate?
I know many of the pages on this blog of mine are about my personal struggles to open up the next chapter of my very own book of life, and losing everything of what used to be my previous life. And despite what you might think, I don’t dwell on the what-ifs and what-fors, and I really do try not to think too much about any of it. However it is very therapeutic for me to write all these memories and emotions of mine down, a way of not keeping it all inside of me, to dump all these feelings that I do occasionally have from time to time on this keyboard. And on the positive side of it all, is that because of what I went thru, I now have new friends in my life that I would not have met otherwise. Some that are also having to go thru the struggles of their new lives as well (lives that they didn’t ask for or plan for), trying to escape their own pain just like myself. But they’re surviving, just as I am – no, seriously I am (regardless of whatever impression you may have from reading my blog?). Because what other choice do we have right?, life isn’t always going to be easy. We all are going to have our hearts broken, it’s inevitable. So what do you think I’m doing at this very moment? Well, I don’t have tears in my eyes, and while I haven’t yet found another, I haven’t given up either. In fact I have a date tonight with that special someone that I’ve mentioned before. We’re absolutely more than just friends, but we’re also too, much less than a couple – so, a “frouple” you might say? And what will become of this new friendship in my life?, maybe nothing will come from it but great friends who are happy enough to just share a meal, laughter, companionship, and their love of peanut butter whiskey together from time to time.