“I keep looking for something I can’t get, broken hearts lie all around me. And I don’t see an easy way to get out of this. Her diary, it sits by the bedside table, the curtains are closed, the cats in the cradle. Who would’ve thought that a boy like me could come to this? Oh I just died in your arms tonight, it must’ve been something you said.” So what or where exactly has this boy come to? After 10 months of going solo, is there something out there in this world that I’ve discovered, maybe even perhaps for the first time ever? Well, as I rapidly approach my 60’s, I have found out that broken hearts do unfortunately lie all around me – everywhere I look. And maybe too, I am looking for something that I can’t get? But instead of it being her diary, it’s my blog. And my curtains are wide open, and oh yea, there ain’t no damn cat or a cradle! Seriously, if anyone close to my age (male or female) is looking for undamaged goods in a significant other, may I suggest a monastery or convent?
Personally speaking, I have plenty of faults (and by “plenty”, I mean of course, well, where’s the calculator?). I don’t worry much about anything, but I do get concerned when I feel like someone doesn’t like me or I have found out that they trashed me in front of others. Why should I care what they think in all honesty?, that’s their problem right? But for some still unexplained reason – I do. I ask myself “is it my fault?, have I done or said something wrong to justify this?” Sure, maybe?, hell I’ve said plenty of stupid things in my life. In fact, if there was a crime against saying stupid shit, I would have already fried in the electric chair many years ago! And to tagline on that subject, when that does happen, I then let it eat at me too much, which makes me overthink, followed by getting down on myself sometimes. Another fault of mine, is I’m not that religious, so if anyone is looking for a partner in life that leads a prayer group every Thursday night, or someone who tries to save lost souls – I’m probably not that ideal guy for you. Do I believe in God or an afterlife? Well, let me put it this way for you, I don’t don’t believe. Which basically means – I don’t know. I sure hope there is obviously, I did grow up going to a baptist church, got saved, baptized, even went to Sunday school, etc. But of course the older one becomes, they start looking at things differently, and start asking theological questions about what exactly is the truth out there? Perhaps if it wasn’t a southern baptist church that I attended in youth, maybe I’d look at it all differently and more broadly now? But there’s hundreds and hundreds (hell, maybe even thousands?) of different religious affiliations out there, so how do we know what the right one is?, if there is even a “right one”? And maybe all of us are here because of some cosmic ‘big bang’ explosion billions of years ago? So does this nagging question keep me up at night?, no, not at all. Because the answer is much bigger than me, or bigger than any human being that has ever walked the earth. Whether that earth is 12 billion years old or 6,000 years old (like some would say). So to answer that question, no I’m not atheist at all, probably more agnostic for sure. Which basically means “I don’t know?, I don’t have the answers”. But truthfully, don’t all of us have some doubts and question at times the meaning of life, and death, and the possibility of an afterlife? Maybe that’s why they call it faith, and not fact? Also I have no problem going to church, in fact I still do occasionally. My mind (and heart) is not closed off to the possibility of it all, and who knows what lies ahead for me?, maybe I’ll meet someone eventually who will guide me back to spirituality?
So is there an easy way to get out of this? This new life of mine, which isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s not the life I want (especially at this age). Is it still possible to find someone to love and cherish, that loves me back the same way, with all my faults and shortcomings? None of us are perfect by any means as we know, but some things in life are deal breakers I realize. My lack of spirituality at this time may be one of those, and if so, I totally understand. I just want to find someone, someone so special that when I take my final breath in this life (no matter what lies beyond it), that I can die in their arms….instead of all alone.