“When you’re standing at the crossroads and don’t know which path to choose, let me come along because even if you’re wrong, I’ll stand by you. Won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you. Take me into your darkest hour and I’ll never desert you, I’ll stand by you.” This beautiful song from ‘The Pretenders’ came to me when I was going thru cancer nearly four years ago. I even included it in my funeral plans in case it didn’t turn out so positive for me in the end. The song resonated with me in some ways because I wanted my girls to know even though I might not be around in human form any longer, that I hope my spirit (whatever that might mean?) will always be there with them, even in their darkest hours. And that I’ll be there in some way, some how, standing by them.
Not sure why, but the only times that I really broke down and cried during that personal ordeal of mine was when I started thinking of everything I would miss if I didn’t survive it. My daughters’ weddings, the births of their children, along with all the celebrations of their lives. Even the small moments, the ones that we sometimes take for granted, I just did not want to miss out on any of that. Selfish of me?, sure, perhaps? But I wanted to be there, somehow someway. And that’s what kept me going thru my darkest moments, which there were several. Fast forward four years later, and I’m now relatively healthy (as “healthy” as an almost 58 year old man can be I suppose?). I know that I’ve had a few dark moments recently in my life this past year. And they’ve both been there for me, especially the oldest one when she moved back home, living just a few miles from me now. We both shared the break-up of our own relationships, and the task of each of us having to start our lives over. And fortunately not only have we had each other to lean on, but also close friends of ours as well that’s been there for the both of us. And though my youngest child does live 1,700 miles away in San Diego, she’s no more than just a phone call, text, or a funny meme away from brightening my day.
In some ways, the one positive thing I can take away from that journey of mine almost four years ago, was you really can’t take anything for granted. I try now to appreciate all those small things in life that we sometimes do tend to overlook. Such as laughter over drinks with friends, a beautiful day spent outdoors, a long drive listening to music, or even the distant memories of times spent with family, friends and lovers that used to be a part of our daily lives that aren’t anymore. I do believe there’s a meaning to it all. Is that meaning spiritual?, or is it that we just need to appreciate what we do l have, be thankful for that, and try and be the best person that we can possibly be? Maybe all of it, I can’t really answer that. But what I do know is that I will never desert my daughters, that I will stand by them even in their darkest hours. Because they are the reason I’m here, that much I do know.