“As you search the embers, think what you’ve had and remember. Hang on, no don’t let go now. You know with every heartbeat, we love. Nothing comes easy, hang on, ask the lonely. When you’re feeling love’s unfair, you just ask the lonely. When you’re lost in deep despair, you just ask the lonely.” Yep, one of my favorite underappreciated Journey songs (from the soundtrack of the easily forgettable 1983 movie ‘Two of A Kind’). So my life at this point is basically one that is yes, still unfortunately lonely. Not always “alone” per se, because I do try my best to not be alone most of the time. Whether that’s on ‘dinner and drinks’ dates with either my best friend (yep, the same one that at one time I wanted much more than just a friendship with, but it wasn’t meant to be), or with my favorite co-worker, or maybe an occasional new friend that I may have just met, or even my oldest daughter at times, getting out socially is something I strive to always do. But at the end of the night, it’s still me coming home all alone to, well, no one. And absolutely there are some things that I know I need to change about my life of course. Number one, I probably should stop drinking so much. But goddamn, that peanut-butter flavored whiskey is so good. And hey, a few cold Blue Moon draft beers goes down good too. And if all that, along with my anti-depressant meds help me fall asleep that much quicker at night, so that I can forget about my life for 8 hours, then win-win I say. And it’s not like I’m a raging alcoholic, because I don’t ever wake up wanting another drink. In fact, I only had a couple of beers the entire two weeks that I was on the road just recently. And didn’t miss it, but then again I was totally enthralled with spending that time with my newborn grandson too. So wasn’t even thinking about being alone….or lonely.
And if being alone is in the cards for me from now till my dying breath, I’m sure I’ll manage (with some help from the aforementioned alcohol of course). Hell, my own father has been living by himself since my parents got divorced back in 1988. I know that it was hard for him at the time, and maybe it still is in some ways? (have no idea really, because I never ask). And perhaps maybe my life now is payback on my own divorce over 10 years ago. We never had the “perfect” marriage by any means obviously, but there were more good times than bad. And even if it was our kids who kept us together for the most part, there was never any greater joy than watching the both of them growing up. Looking at the world thru their eyes was, and still is, the best part of my life. But we were unhappy, in fact miserable at times. And our girls knew it, in fact they sat us down one evening & told us how much they love us, that we were great parents, but they want the both of us to be happy. And we weren’t, and hadn’t been in quite some time. So I made the difficult decision that if we had our kids’ blessing, then I was out. But fortunately we’re still friends (maybe not close friends), but we still want nothing but the best for each other, our daughters, and of course now the newest love in our family – our grandson!
Oh yea, so back to me and being lonely. Hell yea I’m lonely, but I know I’m not entirely “alone”. I do have family, I do have some great friends, clients and co-workers who would do anything for me. But the one thing they can’t do is turn my life around to the point where I’m blissfully happy once again. Am I in deep despair?, no, absolutely not (serious dammit, I’m not). Do I feel that love’s unfair?, sure at times it definitely is. At least it sure was for me. But maybe it was for my father too?, and for my ex-wife as well? But I know that nothing does come easy, so that’s why I continue to hang on….hoping against hope that better days are ahead for me. That not only will I find love once again, but that I won’t be lonely anymore either. So until then, if you have any questions about me, my life, my past, or where my life goes from here – ask me, ask the lonely. I may not have answers for you, but I sure would love the company!
Love it