Nothing But Blue Skies

“Oh yes I can make it now the pain is gone, all of the bad feelings have disappeared.  Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for, it’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day.  Look all around, there’s nothing but blue skies. I can see clearly now the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way.  Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for.  It’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day.” I heard this song a few times within the last several days, and perhaps there was a reason why?, like it was calling out to me in some way? So this past weekend I did a thing. And by “thing” I mean I purchased a bike. And no, not that kind of bike (not owning any leather chaps & possessing no tattoos, I wouldn’t be able to qualify for a loan on that type of purchase I’m sure). It’s a bike like in “bicycle”, that’s right, I’m officially one of those guys now. And hey, I found out rather quickly they’re not cheap. In fact I spent more on this bicycle than I did on my first car. But I live right on the Arkansas River trail, so why not take advantage of that, while at the same time maybe lose a few pounds, and honestly do something with all my free time instead of just drinking with all my buddies at the local bar. And honestly, all that plus maybe it’ll help me stop thinking so much and feeling so sorry for myself and where I’m at in life right?

Don’t get me wrong, I still really need someone to talk to, a professional therapist. I have reached out, but the only office to respond back to me so far said they’re only taking phone calls, with no in-person visits right now. As uncomfortable as I’m sure I will be at first, I can’t even imagine letting it all out to someone on a phone. But in the meantime, being alone with just me and a bike (I’m sorry, “bicycle”) isn’t a bad option ‘B’. Because it did clear my mind for a couple of hours yesterday as I did my first 10-mile round trip yesterday on the trail. Yes, baby steps for right now, before I push it to 15 or 20 miles eventually I hope? And all that time yesterday on my ride, I thought of nothing but the beautiful scenery, the path in front of me, and the thoughts of “holy shit I hope there’s no more hills to climb” (like I said, baby steps). But also in a way, maybe it helped me realize that as every day passes and the older I get, my chances on finding love again does narrow. And if that is indeed the case, I need to find a hobby, because apparently drinking heavily is not healthy, or so they say anyway? And while I may not be successful anymore in finding someone to love me as much as I love them, or someone finding me interesting enough to see if there’s anything there to take a chance on?, I have found a lot of success in turning women that I find desirable into my good friends. And thank god none of them have yet used the lines “can’t we still be friends?” or “it’s not you, it’s me”. Oh damn, I just jinxed myself didn’t I?

So fortunately thanks to the passing of time that does help to heal all things (yes I know that’s a cliché, but it is true), maybe this new hobby of mine will also help me finally break thru at some point as well? And if I ever have any luck in finding a professional therapist to talk to (in person and not on a phone or on zoom) and help push me thru the last of any lingering hurt that I still have, then all that pain will be gone, and all of those bad feelings will disappear. And it’s not just the hurt from what happened almost two years ago, but also from some of the mistakes that I’ve made in maybe hurrying too fast to find love again. During this journey of mine, I have developed feelings, strong feelings in my search for someone obviously, but the feelings weren’t mutual. And there’s nothing that I can do to change that. And I’ve met others for the first time, and I thought “she’s nice, maybe there’s a possibility here?” And I could instantly tell by the look in their eyes that she was thinking “he’s nice, but there’s no possibility here. But hey, maybe he’ll be up to being good friends?” But that’s life as they say right? So in the meantime, until that day does happen (if it will ever happen?), you can find me on my new bike somewhere on that river trail, looking straight ahead at all the blue skies. And if I ever do see that damn rainbow that I’ve been praying for, then I’ll know that the rain is gone, along hopefully with all the obstacles in my way.