And in the End

“And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make.”  This short but very powerful and truly meaningful lyric (at least to me) has often been described as the very last lyric, from the very last song, on the very last Beatles album. And yes I know ‘Let It Be’ was technically released after ‘Abbey Road’, but the ‘Let It Be’ album was actually recorded many months before, and released after the band’s break-up. And why is it that this song, which is only fifteen words total, resonates so much with me? Because like the most famous musical band of all time, those four men from Liverpool that pretty much affected my entire childhood along with millions of others obviously, I think it’s best that I end this personal blog of mine with those very same lyrics from that very same song. So with that being said, this is my 76th and final journal from me, one that started back on February 4th of 2021, while I was quarantined at home after being tested positive with covid, and more than likely at the time already under the influence of some peanut butter flavored whiskey (which has been my very best friend more than once). Yes, starting a blog way back then sounded like a good idea at the time, and it actually has helped me in many ways to express my deepest thoughts, along with my darkest fears, and even eternal hopes on my search to hopefully find happiness once again. And in some ways, it was also beneficial for me as a release to personally get thru some not so good times. At first, starting as a way of me dealing thru inner turmoil, and some hurt and pain that I was experiencing from being dumped after a more than 8-year relationship, and the struggles of starting my life all over again with basically nothing, and having to pick up the pieces of my shattered life at the time. In a way, those first few passages rehashing from what I once thought of as a love story which ended because of tragic circumstances, then too finding myself all over again, and trying to discover who I really am?, especially at this age, and my search to find that thing called love again (what can I say?, I’m a glutton for punishment). And okay yea, maybe it was also a way to save a few bucks on professional therapy too while I was at it? Besides, who was really paying attention to it other than myself?

So has it evolved into something else?, or has it even worked at all for me to move on in my life? I truly think the answer to both of those questions is yes, absolutely it has. I’m no longer in pain from that previous relationship, in fact I very rarely even think about it anymore (hey, it’s been almost two years, about time I’ve moved on right?). And I have moved on, in fact for the majority of this past year I’ve blogged mainly about who I’ve dated and cared deeply for, and the stories from those experiences in this new stage of my life (well to be truthful, more of my unsuccessful dating life and the peaks and valleys, along with the laughs, and yea some tears of it all?). And there has been some pain from that as well, obviously all self-made of course, I blame all the pitfalls from it on nobody but myself. I’ve been made aware that apparently I’m just not good at this thing called dating anymore (if I ever really was?). I tend to develop feelings for someone after awhile, really deep feelings that may even be described by some as “starting to fall in love”, and that’s when it always seems to start falling apart for me. Either by something I’ve stupidly said, or how I’ve reacted, or just not fully playing it cool? And by “not playing it cool”, meaning of course I’m too honest, I actually tell someone how I feel about them. What an idiot right?, who wants to hear that crap? So yea, like I said, I’m not too good at this. Would I take any of it back? No, not a chance, I am who I am. So while I may not be the right fit for that person, that’s okay, it was a great experience that I will always look back fondly upon, and I’ve learned something about myself too in the process (#1, start playing it cool). But seriously, the best part thru it all is the deep friendships that I’ve gained, and both of us wanting the other to be happy, loved and cherished by whoever is eventually meant for them. And I truly do feel that way. Because I know I’m not that guy, my bruised ego can attest to that. And though I could definitely be wrong, but women seem to want a challenge too, not necessarily a “bad boy” per se, but they don’t want a punching bag either. Someone who will always say yes to whatever they want or ask for. They can always get a trained puppy, they don’t need a trained man too. I couldn’t tell you the last time that I was in an argument, which basically means I’m lame I suppose? Who wants anyone that’s lame, and doesn’t stand up for themselves? So while it’s too late for me to change after all these years, all you younger men, take note. And like I said, I could perhaps be entirely wrong with this opinion too? (wait, is that me being lame again?)

I started this blog not only to help me write down all my thoughts, along with helping me thru that hurt and pain from back then, but also in some wild crazy fantasy of mine, I retained some unrealistic hope that maybe it would get discovered somewhere out in there on the worldwide web by an interested Hollywood screenwriter who might think “hey, this could be a great idea for a Netflix series?”. Well, that never happened obviously, not like I actually ever thought it would (but hey, we all have our unfulfilled fantasies right?). Besides, William Faulkner I’m not. I’m just some fortunate bloke who’s made a comfortable living over the past two decades putting enough words together to make decent :30-second commercials attempt to sound entertaining on the radio. So my random thoughts on this personal blog of mine isn’t really any different than what anyone else with decent vocabulary skills could also express.

So where do I go from here?, good question, and one that I really don’t have an answer to just yet. Hopefully, finding my inner happiness eventually yes, because I’m still searching for that in my life. I’ve beat cancer (fuck I hate saying that out loud, I feel like I’m jinxing myself when I do), and I do think I’m finally over that hump of also surviving a mild form of depression over the past two years. And while I don’t know what the “end” is going to be like for me?, who does right? I could die tomorrow on my new bike riding down the river trail attempting to dodge a squirrel, as I careen off a cliff into the water? Or I might be fortunate enough to live another 30 plus years and die peacefully in my sleep? Who knows?, all I do know is that most likely it won’t be up to me. But what I do know, is after I do take my last breath, and after my daughters take their last breaths (which I hope is many, many years from now), and my grandson takes his as well, no one will remember me. Because like many others, I haven’t done anything with my life to be remembered by the generations yet to come. My name won’t be in the history books because I will not have achieved anything important. So it will be like I never existed, which is sadly true for most of us I guess? The only thing I do hope before I do take that last breath of mine, is in the end, the love that I have taken, will be equal to the love that I have made.