“For they could not love you, but still your love was true. And when no hope was left in sight, on that starry, starry night. You took your life, as lovers often do. But I could’ve told you, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. Starry, starry night, portraits hung in empty halls. Frameless heads on nameless walls, with eyes that watch the world and can’t forget. Now I think I know, what you tried to say to me. And how you suffered for your sanity, and how you tried to set them free. They would not listen, they’re not listening still. Perhaps they never will?” Before I delve into the meaning of these lyrics and what they might mean to me, let me first explain my extended absence from this blog (not that anyone really cares?). As everyone knows I started this to help me heal from a mild form of depression after someone that I once loved with all my heart decided after over eight years that she didn’t feel the same way. So throw in the pandemic, the recent loss of my mother, and having to start my life all over again and how exactly do I do that?, and also not being able to find professional therapy too, someone mentioned why not blog about it? And it helped – tremendously at the time in fact. To the point that after some time doing it, I finally felt healed from all that pain. And I still am, because I now never look back at my previous life or her, at all. But the fact is I really enjoy doing this, writing down all my random thoughts from time to time, no matter if anyone reads it or not? In fact, I hope no one does read it, because I’m sure it’s a sign of weakness to some. Men are supposed to be strong right?, and writing a blog is surely not a sign of strength. However it is quite the release for me, and I have missed it at times too. So I’m back, sorta. It won’t be as frequent of course, but when I’m in the mood – as the kids say, why the fuck not right?
So as I pulled up to the office this morning, I was listening to one of my favorite pre-set stations on satellite (and before you ask, yes it was a commercial break at the radio station that I work for), and this song came on. I sat in my truck listening to it, not only because of the beautiful lyrics, but how truly sad this song is. And how was it that such a beautiful artist like Vincent van Gogh, lived such a sad, lonely, miserable life with so much pain inside of him? With much of that pain being self-inflicted as we all know. Well, simple answer – it was because of the love that he had for another. Sadly, one that wasn’t returned. Love can make all of us do crazy, stupid, “what the hell was I thinking?” things. Hell I’ve been guilty of that at various times in my life too. I mean I haven’t cut an ear off or anything quite that drastic, but I get it. Hurt sucks, simple as that. It’s painful, it torments you at night where you can’t sleep or think about anything else. And it makes you drink until you pass out, or send a text to someone that you notice the next morning and are mortified at yourself for ever sending it. I’ve been there, and it’s something that I definitely don’t want to go thru again. But I get it. Most of us have done it right? And it just shows that the old saying “with age comes wisdom” isn’t necessarily true. But instead of cutting off an ear, or ending your life, you have no other choice but to learn from it, and move on. I’ve learned from it myself, at least I hope I have? Will I chance falling in love again, only to maybe be rejected at the end again? God I hope so. Because I miss that feeling of loving someone, and them also loving me back just the same. And I also don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life like my dad has been for over three decades. Now that scares the hell out of me.
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