Some Day

“All the odds are against you, but somehow you make it through. You can rationalize it away, but it all comes down to you.  Half our lives we spend waiting for the knock upon the door, when it comes will it be the one that I’ve been waiting for?  Somebody’s out there somewhere, waiting for someone to come their way.  Somebody’s out there somewhere, I will somehow be somebody’s someone.  Some day.” So when will it be finally be that some day for me? I mean it’s already been 857 days since I came home on a day just like any other day, to be hit with the news that changed my life forever (not that I actually count off the days like a prisoner in his cell, but I can count backwards with the help of a calculator). And this question of ‘when’ actually used to keep me up at night, when the loneliness would start to creep in, along with the overthinking about maybe a certain someone at the time. And those self-torturing thoughts we have all had at one time or another like what are they doing?, who are they with?, why are they choosing someone else instead of me to spend time with? Gotta say, that shit is painful for all of us. Thank God for the booze, anti-depressants, and finally for me after all this time – therapy. I know it’s only been a short time that I’ve been finally seeing a professional, but I can already tell a difference in myself, and what’s wrong with me. Simply put, I’m classified as a ‘love addict’. Which basically means I don’t feel complete unless I’m in a relationship with someone. And as a ‘love addict’, I tend to ignore all red flags when I fall for someone. I certainly did with the person who is responsible for the sudden change in my life those 857 days ago. And to her credit, she was upfront and honest about those red flags of hers at the very beginning of our dating days back in the fall of 2011. However I chose to ignore them, foolishly thinking “but I’m different than all those other guys. This is the real thing, it will last forever.” And the guy that she ultimately left me for, well most likely the same thing will happen to him at some point – if so, he’s a ‘Dead Man Walking’ as they say.

And how did I become a ‘love addict’ you ask? (wait, you did ask right?), well apparently it all stems from some form of childhood trauma. While I certainly wasn’t the victim of any type of physical, sexual, or mental abuse growing up, what I have been made aware of thru my sessions is that I quite possibly experienced a form of abandonment. And no, my parents didn’t leave me at the circus wandering around all alone one day, hoping maybe at least the Yak Lady might take me in? No, it basically started with the death of my younger sister at the age of seven. And while we always had a big picture of her on the wall thru the years (and it’s still there btw), her name didn’t get brought up that much in our house after her death. In fact, just a year after she passed, my parents knocked down one wall of her bedroom to enlarge our family room. Out of sight, out of mind as they say. And while maybe that’s how many people may have dealt with a tragedy all those years ago, that shit’s not healthy – especially for a young boy growing up. So as my therapist so eloquently puts it – I was a victim of “childhood abandonment”. And that it most likely affected how I have always viewed relationships and love to this day. And in no way do I blame my parents on how I turned out (the good, the bad, or the ugly parts of me), they did the best they could. And I’m sure without a doubt her death affected them in even worse ways than I can imagine? But they chose to keep their emotions to themselves, hoping the pain would eventually go away as long as they never brought her up. But looking back on it all, they really didn’t focus on me in a healthy way. Not many words of encouragement were offered, no affection or even simple hugs were ever extended. Could be perhaps my own existence was just a convenient distraction for them, so that they wouldn’t have to deal with her death and move on with their lives in a more healthy way?

So what does this all mean for me now, and how long will it continue to be a part of my thought process and whatever future that I still have remaining as I quickly close in on my sixties? Well definitely as each day passes now and whatever time that I still have left, those odds of finding someone that loves me just as much as I’m in love with them are against me. But I have no choice, I have to keep going and make it thru, somehow, someway. And I can’t give up hope that somebody’s out there somewhere, waiting to come my way. Or have I already met the one that I’ve been waiting for? And the timing may not be right for either one of us?, because as they say timing is everything right? And if I have met her already, maybe she’s a ‘love avoidant’?, yea, apparently that’s a thing too?, or so says the therapist (again, all these labels on people out there that I had no clue about). ‘Love avoidants’ are people who may have been hurt deeply in their past, and have walls up around them so that they don’t risk having to go thru that pain again. Or they may even subconsciously self-sabotage a pending relationship due to their own childhood drama? So when they do start to feel those familiar emotions of love, that’s when those damn walls go quickly back up and they then withdraw. And wouldn’t you know it, I’ve also been told that apparently ‘love addicts’ are attracted to ‘love avoidants’. Lucky me huh? That’s definitely a lot to take in I know, and I’m still in the learning process of what makes all of us tick. So while I would rather not rationalize all of this away with any terms that I wasn’t familiar with just days ago, inevitably it does come down to me in the end. And because I always seem to lean on the side of positivity even during my darkest days, I just know that somebody’s out there, somewhere. And that I will somehow be somebody’s someone once again. Some day!