“I gotta take a little time to think things over. I better read between the lines, in case I need it when I’m older. Now this mountain I must climb, feels like a world upon my shoulders. Through the clouds I see love shine, it keeps me warm as life grows colder. In my life there’s been heartache and pain, I don’t know if I can face it again. Can’t stop now, I’ve traveled so far to change this lonely life. I wanna know what love is.” So I’ve realized that I’ve been blogging less and less these days. Maybe it’s because I now have a new outlet in discussing my hopes, dreams, fears and troubles to with a licensed therapist (who actually gets paid to listen and hopefully help guide me onto a new path in life), or perhaps I’m managing to finally get over that mental roadblock of mine that’s been like a dark cloud hanging over me for way too damn long? And so to the bigger question, what have I exactly learned about myself over these past 2 ½ years since my life changed in an instant? Well for one, thru some self-discovery thanks to that therapist, I’m starting to realize that if I never do find love again, that I’ll still be okay. That even as much as I desire, crave and hope for that special someone to share my life with, that I will still survive and most importantly be happy if it does wind up being just me by myself, as I grow older in the coming years into the ultimate sunset of my life.
Over the past couple of months, my eyes have been opened to who I really am and what makes me tick (some of it’s ugly, I gotta be honest). But if I can’t face my shortcomings and flaws, then I can’t truly be honest with myself or anyone else that enters my life. I was given a book to read about love addiction, and damn did I relate to it in so many ways. I even screenshot one passage that might as well have had my photo next to it. It simply read – “In situations in which you have been engaged in your addictive process, you need to stop and be willing to go into withdrawal and stay there without returning to the addictive experience, until the withdrawal has passed. For example, you need to stop chasing somebody who doesn’t want to be with you; stop having sex with inappropriate people; stop drinking; stop overeating; stop overworking. You need to stop whatever is the focus of your addictive behavior.” OMG!, I have been so guilty of all of that these past 2 ½ years? (well except for maybe the overeating and overworking part?). And because I really am trying to change who I am and how I live and how I think, I was advised by my therapist during our first session not to date anyone for the next six months. Which would take me to the first week of April before my “suspension from dating” would be over. Can I actually last that long?, I’d like to think so but I don’t really know?, because I truly enjoy spending time with the opposite sex, especially if it’s with someone that I’m very much attracted to. And yea, I’ve sorta cheated on that directive a little bit since then. I’ve met a couple of friends over a drink or a meal at a local bar, but it wasn’t an official “pick them up at their house, open the door for them, drive them home, and maybe have sex with them or maybe not” date per se. They said they’d be there, and I just ‘happen’ to show up at the same exact time, and, well, uh, okay fine you’re right, it’s still close enough to be described as maybe a date right? So I’ve got to do better with that and stick to the assignment that I was given. Besides, if I can hold out till April to officially date again, think of all the money I’ll be saving. Because damn, dinner and drinks, along with taxes and tips can easily be a $100 night or more. Although there have been times where someone has been more than happy to split the bill, or maybe pay if there’s a next time – which is always appreciative. But because I do hopefully want to know what love is again, I have to continue to try and succeed in this break from dating till my six month sentence is up.
So where does all this leave me? Well, this little time that I’m taking to think things over will hopefully help me better read between those lines of life and love. And yea I’ll admit it, this really does feel like a mountain that I must climb (because I truly fucking hate the thought of possibly being alone for the rest of my life ). However, if being alone is in the cards for me, maybe I can ultimately find my inner happiness with it just being me? Because lately in my life there’s been much heartache and pain, heartache and pain that I don’t know if I can face again? So I can’t stop now in trying to better myself, and trying to be that better man for my two daughters, and my grandson, but yea, mostly for me. I’ve traveled so far already, in hopes to change this lonely life. But deep down, if it’s meant to be or not?, I still wanna know what love is. And it could be as the saying goes, when I finally do stop actively looking for love, then love will find me?
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