“I’ve been looking for someone, between the fire and the flame. We’re all looking for something to ease the pain. Now who can you turn to when it’s all black and white? And the winners are losers, you see it every night. I need somebody, somebody like you. Everybody needs somebody, I need somebody. Hey what about you? Everybody needs somebody. When you’re out on the front line, and you’re watching them fall. It doesn’t take long to realize it ain’t worth fighting for”. Damn, I just realized how long it’s been since I’ve blogged. I’ll take that as a good sign, a very good sign in fact. Perhaps it’s due to the passage of time (I mean after all, it has been almost three years since this new chapter of my life started), or maybe it’s these last six months of therapy that I’ve been attending every other week. Or quite frankly, it’s because that I’ve finally accepted my place in life, and I’m finally content with it? Obviously I didn’t want to be alone at my age (which will be 60 in about a month), and I certainly didn’t ask to be. And of course anyone that has read my blog can attest to the fact that I’ve stubbornly fought against it, trying so hard to find love again, instead of it possibly finding me. And because of that, I may have damaged a good friendship or two? So no, definitely not worth fighting for. Unfortunately it just took me way too long to realize it.
And though it’s been a long three years, as I look back at it all, it actually seems like a blur. I mean as quickly as the world changed overnight for not only me (with my mother dying, quickly followed by me getting dumped), but it changed for everyone in 2020, and now it’s quite bizarre how everything seems to be back to normal. No masks to be found anywhere, bars and restaurants are once gain packed, and for me, my sales are finally inching up to almost where it was before the entire world stopped that second week of March three years ago. It’s almost like Covid never happened?, which of course we all know it did. So where were we?, oh yea, back to my favorite subject – me!! So while I would not want to relive any of that, in a way I’ve always thought things happen for a reason? Even before I was shown the door out of a long eight-year relationship, honestly I already knew that things had changed between us. We really were starting to just go thru the motions. And maybe that’s what happens in most all relationships? Boredom sets in, passion wanes, lovers become just friends, and then someone else starts to show interest in one and all those emotions come back into play, and then the other person gets hurt. And I have no doubt that’s what happened to me. But you know what, if it weren’t for all of that, and everything that did eventually go down, I would have never gotten to experience who I actually am. Someone who always tried to please others first before themselves, someone who has always cared how others feel about me more than how I feel about myself. And someone who always hated to disappoint anyone close to me, no matter if it caused me any unhappiness. Or as my therapist likes to say – “I’m a codependent”. Not necessarily a bad thing, just not a mentally healthy thing for one to be. And while of course I still want to be that nice guy to all, I think it is time to be somewhat selfish for myself too?
And maybe the most important thing that has happened to me that would not have had it not been for all these drastic changes in my life – I would never had met some very incredible people otherwise, especially one or two. These people I love and always will, and in many ways it feels like I’ve known them most of my life now. Experiences that we have shared, along with much joy, laughter, and yea maybe even a few tears. So now looking back, I can say strangely it was very much worth the pain that I went thru. Because I’m finally happy again, any self-pity that I may have once had (okay fine, of course I did), has now vanished. And I’m truly happy. My youngest daughter and grandson will be here later this week, and oh yea, apparently I’m a new home owner too. A major step that I never thought possible just a short time ago. My oldest daughter actually found it and sent the link to me, and the next thing I knew I had a realtor call me (still have no idea how he had my number?). And it’s perfect for me too, just recently built in 2009. And it comes with free lawn care and maintenance, clubhouse with a pool, and the house is on a cul-de-sac. Scheduled to close in about ten days, followed by a couple of minor remodeling projects inside, and some interior decorating and I’ll be moving in (so yea, another new chapter in this book of life for me). So yea, I’m back baby. I do feel like the old me once again. Motivated, confident, and yes, very happy. Even if it’s not meant for me to be with someone again, no matter how much I want or need to be. And while I do know that we’re all looking for something to ease the pain, someone to turn to when it’s all black and white, someone between the fire and the flame, I already have that. I have my small little family that will always be there for me. A large circle of friends who love me (just don’t ask them if they do, but I know). And those one or two incredible people that I do love, who I would have never met had my life stayed the same three years ago. And if I never do find somebody, I do have a pact with someone. Or what we call a “pinky-swear”. That if in 8 or 9 years neither one of us finds love again with someone, that we would be there for each other in our golden years. But hopefully that won’t be the case, and that we both do find love. Because honestly, everybody needs somebody. It is worth fighting for.