“She’s now living together with her new best friend Ray, a guy she said she knew well and one time dated. Isn’t that the way they say it goes? But let’s forget all that, and give me the courage if you can find it. So I can call just to tell her I’m fine and to show I’ve overcome the blow. I’ve learned to take it well, I only wish my words could just convince myself. That it just wasn’t real, but that’s not the way it feels”. Okay, yea you got me, I did have to tweak a few words in this Jim Croce classic to make it fit in my own life and thoughts, and no, the guy’s name wasn’t “Ray” either. But I think ol’ Jim would certainly let me slide by this one time changing up a couple of words in his song right? And yes too, I’m sure you’re starting to notice a common theme in most of these pages in my personal blog. Have I really overcome the blow?, have I really learned to take it well? In all honesty, I think I have (because you really should have seen me back in the summer, I was a literal mess). The depression that I was going thru for the first time in my life (and that even included when I was battling cancer 4 years ago), had crippled me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t stop checking her facebook page, I couldn’t stop messaging her sister with the personal struggle that I was going thru. And I could not stop looking out this goddamn window of mine thinking “where did it go so wrong with me?, and why?”
We would actually text every couple of weeks (okay fine, I would text and she would reply), just checking on everything – the dogs, the grandchildren, her parents. But then one day it all came back to kick my ass, the inevitable gut punch, the low blow finally delivered. And of all days, it happened on her birthday while I was on vacation with all the guys in Montana. She posted a photo of the flowers that her new guy had delivered to her, and how he made her feel so special. Seriously?, what the actual fuck?, she never once posted anything about the 50+ times that I had brought flowers home for her over the years. Looking back, I’m sure this was her way of announcing that she had a new man in her life. But hey, it had already been 9 weeks since she had given me the “boot”, so why wait any longer right?, life goes on. I’m sure there were many texts and/or facebook messages between the two of them before she hit me with the news on that Tuesday evening in late May. Was it physical before then?, most likely not, but emotional?, yea for sure. I had noticed that he was full of heart emojis, and comments on some of her posts, but it was facebook, so I didn’t think too much of it at the time.
I had stayed back in the cabin on that Saturday morning in August when the post came out. The other guys had left that morning to go on a fly-fishing excursion (how come I didn’t go you ask?, uh hello, it costs $300), so I just decided to relax, have a couple of beers and just take in all the scenery. Of course that idea blew up in my face when the post came out, which led to my phone starting to blow up as well. Because for the past two months, we had kept it pretty well hidden, except for family members of course and a few of our close friends. People started texting asking questions, “what happened?”, “we’re so disappointed”, “you guys were our favorite couple”, and then the common theme after they all clicked on his facebook page (since she linked his name on the post) “what the fuck?, he’s not good looking at all, what’s with the bushy porn stache?, what is she thinking?”. I really had no answers why him, how long it’s been going on, etc., other than to say she told me that she was ready to move on, she no longer loved me, and so I had no choice but to wish her nothing but happiness.
I blog about all of this now, because I am doing fine, and that I have learned to take it well. And blogging about it all now as I look back over all the events of the past year, it has helped me to finally overcome the blow. Did it hurt?, absolutely it killed me at the time. Do I still have a bad day every now and then thinking about it all? Not that many any more honestly, and when I do, it’s just for a brief moment, not an entire day. I sleep much better now, I’ve made new friends in my life, who along with the dear friends that I’ve always had, have helped me to get thru it all. And I’m so thankful that I’m in a much better place now than I was many months back. Do I still wish her happiness in her life?, absolutely I do. For God’s sake, she nursed me back to health during cancer. She was there for me with so much help when I was dealing with the last few months of my mother’s life (which coincidentally was a year ago today as I write this), so of course I wish her the best to find her true inner peace and to have a happy life. What about “Ray” you ask?, no, he can go fuck himself!