“Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared beneath the stars above. For a moment all the world was right, how could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye? And now I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain but I’d have had to miss the dance.” Awww yes, most everyone’s favorite Garth Brooks song (though I might be more partial to ‘Calling Baton Rouge’ myself?). And I believe the reason this song resonates with so many people is because the lyrics (to me at least) are 100% spot on. Seriously wouldn’t most of us want to live our lives to chance, even if it did mean we would experience some pain down the road? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a big fan of pain, whether than pain is visible to others or it’s the pain deep inside you, that scar that no one else can see. Thankfully for me, I’m finally past all that pain that was inside me, past all the hurt and the many regrets I might have had. Not necessarily the regrets that I took a chance on love and opening my heart up completely to someone else. There’s no regret there because there is no better feeling in the world than to do that. It’s a totally selfless act, and when you do that it actually does feel that all the world is right. And that sensation is so damn intoxicating, that when it does fall apart (no matter if it happens 9 weeks later or 9 years later?), you want to experience it again, and soon!
Will it happen to me again?, who knows?, I certainly don’t. My advancing age probably doesn’t help the odds any? Or my idea of the perfect woman for me doesn’t work in my favor either. If this was still the 1970’s, the newspaper ad would probably go something like this….”Must have humor, intelligence, a good career, attractive looks and has to be able to carry on a conversation. MAGAs need not apply”. So see, I have probably eliminated half the female population already? I do know that if lightening does strike twice for me, I will be more guarded, and more prepared for it. Maybe even have somewhat of a wall around my heart and my feelings? I know that’s perhaps not the most romantic way to go into a relationship with, but damn I don’t want to get burned again. Had it not been for the inheritance that my mother had left me after her passing, this past year would have financially destroyed me. Because not only did I have to start my life over with nothing but a fucking mattress, but because of Covid my billing took more than a 30% hit. So yea, it was a perfect storm. And no one else was to blame for my predicament, I voluntarily surrendered all my worldly possessions over to her. In fact I never even really broached the subject before I left. Was I stupid?, perhaps, but maybe in the back of my mind I was hoping she would discover how happy she truly was with me and would beg me to come back? Seriously if I did think that (not that I did actually), what the fuck was wrong with me right? And as you know by now, she quickly fell into the arms of another man, moved in with him, and now he’s probably enjoying all of my former worldly possessions? Or at least someone is, because I know it’s not me.
But hey, life is full of valuable lessons. And we learn from them, or at least we attempt to learn from them. And though after reading some of the pages on my blog you might think I still have some animosity or harbor some ill feelings to the people in my previous life, I really don’t. I truly want nothing but the very best for all of them. The good news is that I’ve learned some valuable lessons about life, love and truthfully about me as well (which I needed to learn quite honestly). I’m stronger now, and I will never take anything or anyone for granted again. And looking back at it all now, I’m also thankful I didn’t know the way it all would end, or the way it all would go. Because our lives really are better left to chance. So I will gladly take that chance on pain again, just so I won’t miss the dance.