“Surprised at myself for the way that I feel, so happy that you’re here with me. Some women I’ve known have left me with nothing, but I guess that was just meant to be. I was down for the count, I was down, I was beat, I was crying. I was cornered and hurt, I was hiding my face, sick of trying. I still felt lonely until I met you, told myself I’d get by without love. Drowning my sorrows, avoiding tomorrows, kind of felt that I just had enough. But here I am, I’m back on my feet again. Here I am, I’m back on my feet again.” So exactly how many chances in life do we actually have to find love once more? I’m sure the answer varies, depending on location, career status, personality, and of course the most important of all I suppose – looks? I know that last one seems somewhat unkind to say out loud, but c’mon, we all know it’s true right? As vain as it does sound, personal appearance is sometimes the overriding factor in our opportunities to find love yet again. Don’t believe me, or think that maybe I’m full of shit? (which wouldn’t the first time someone’s accused me of that). Then of course you’ve never once swiped left on a dating app when someone’s image first appears, is that correct? Yea, I thought so. But that’s okay, don’t beat yourself up too bad, because we’re all guilty of it. Looks are important, that’s how we first lure someone in. I know I wouldn’t have dated so many women in the past 18 months if I had looked like some version of Mr. Hyde (kids everywhere are now asking “who’s Mr. Hyde?”). While I may never pass for George Clooney, I do have some sort of charming personality I suppose? If I didn’t, there would not be many second dates for me I’m sure.
All this to say, I’ve actually been dating someone since August that is not only very attractive and appealing to the eye, and for whatever reason she seems to have taken a liken to me (yea, I don’t get it either?). And until just recently, it hadn’t gotten too serious, just more like seeing each other when we can juggle our schedules (hers’ is a lot more difficult to juggle since she is still raising two sons), have some drinks together, go out for a meal or two, to a Razorback football game, and maybe even sit and discuss our pasts, our common interests and where we want our lives to go. But the last three months all of a sudden seem to have gone by in a flash, and now we find ourselves going out more often for those same drinks and meals, attending several Razorback games together, and even going out of state on a couple of long weekend trips. And I gotta say – “so far, so good”, actually it’s been real good. We genuinely get along together very well, she seems to get my smartass, inappropriate humor (which I know is not for everyone), and I know she truly does care a great deal for me, as I her. And she’s so damn cute, oh wait, I’ve mentioned that fact already right? So what’s the holdup you ask?, what the hell, just go for it right? Well, there’s been this mental block that I’ve been having to deal with since my life changed overnight all those 18 months ago. Basically, I’m afraid of getting hurt again. Hell she knows this, we’ve talked about it. In fact, it’s no surprise really, most everyone knows that fear of mine. The same exact fear that the last woman than I dated (who I now consider a very best friend of mine) also has, and quite possibly anyone else that has had to start their own lives over have had at one time or another. It’s not easy to truly let go, and just say “fuck it, whatever happens happens“! Because truthfully, if I get hurt again like I did the last time, just go ahead and sign me up for the monastery. I’ve been divorced after a 25 year marriage, and I got dumped after an almost 9 year live-in relationship. Both times, I had the pleasure of walking out the door with absolutely nothing. No earthly possessions whatsoever, other than my clothes and a mattress. Since the divorce was my idea, and my youngest daughter was still living at home, I thought it was the best and most honorable thing to do. The second time around I was in a complete shellshock, and my head was not in a good place. Or maybe I was just hoping that she would feel guilty about her decision, and compensate me later perhaps? Yep, still waiting for that call 18 months later. So yes, women have left me with nothing, and I was down for the count, but I guess that was just meant to be?
All this to say, I think I’m ready again. Ready to fully let go, ready to stop feeling cornered and hurt. Yes, up until recently I was still experiencing moments of feeling lonely. But I just convinced myself that I’d get by without love. Because I did kind of feel like that I had just had enough. But now, somebody seems to really like me, I mean really, really like me. And she’s so damn cute too, oh wait, I’ve already mentioned that fact right? So here I am, I’m ready to let my guard down, and knock that wall of stone around me down. The same wall that’s been helping to protect my feelings, my hurt, and my past pain all this time. And I want to see what happens. So as the song goes – here I am, I’m back on my feet again.
Awesome !! So happy for you!