“Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty, sound of their breath fades with the light. I think about the loveless fascination, under the milky way tonight. Wish I knew what you were looking for, might have known what you would find. And it’s something quite peculiar, something that’s shimmering and white. It leads you here despite your destination, under the milky way tonight.” Don’t we all wish we knew what someone was looking for? In fact if I had my choice of superpowers, that one would be in my top five. I mean of course right after the ability to be invisible, or read someone’s mind, or my favorite – to regrow hair. But what am I talking about?, hell I don’t even know what I’m looking for, much less anyone else. I know that I want to find my inner happiness again. I know I want to find someone to fall in love with again that also loves me back just the same as well. And I know that I have to make some changes in my life to help me finally get thru all these dark clouds that’s been gathering around me like an approaching hurricane from time to time over these past two plus years. But what changes would that be? I’m probably too old now to make a change in direction as far as my career goes. I’m less than six years away from being able to retire (if I really wanted to retire at the age of 65?). And besides, I really love what I do, so why change that right? It provides me a great income, good benefits, five weeks of vacation, along with a very flexible schedule, and most importantly this small media company that I have worked for the past almost 16 years is very much like a family – dysfunctional at times sure, but we mostly always have each others’ backs. And what else would I do, if it didn’t involve some sort of advertising or promoting clients of mine? At this age, my career choices are definitely limited. And I really don’t want to have to start selling cars (no offense to any of my car-selling friends out there). So my career is not something that I really want to change, at least for now.
And not only does my job keep me here in central Arkansas where I’ve resided for most of my life, but also I’m not able to pack up all my belongings and relocate to a new destination right now because of my father’s advancing age. Although we’ve never been close, I am the only family that he really has left. And when that day does come when I get the call that either he has passed or the time is close, I have a major clean-up to go thru before I can eventually sell his house and property (think those hoarder reality shows). So yea, that might be a lengthy six-month or so process filling up many of my weekends. And besides I truly do love where I live, even if this state has politically turned dark red with all the Trump lovers. But if I had to move tomorrow, where would that be to? Chicago is my favorite city of course, but it’s too damn expensive. The Florida panhandle would be nice, however still expensive and no change of seasons. So most likely it would be Fayetteville, because it seems like that’s where everyone is moving to, at least in the next couple of years. Good friends of mine, and even my youngest daughter and grandson in about a year when her husband’s enlistment is over. But again, if there ever is a move to be made, it would have to wait until my dad passes.
So for right now, I have no choice but to trudge along (and in some ways, alone) in this sometimes empty life of mine. And maybe one day, when I’m least expecting it and not still trying to force it, the love that I’m looking for will happen for me? Someone that might possibly be quite peculiar, shimmering and white. Someone who will make me laugh and forget all about my past pain. But most importantly, someone who feels for me the same way that I feel for her. And yea, I’ve experienced that pain of expressing my feelings of love for another, and the feeling wasn’t mutual (OUCH). So, here’s me hoping that somewhere out there is my destination. Somehow, somewhere, under the milky way tonight. And if there is a God, please, I could use your help here.
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