“When I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody’s help in any way. But now those days are gone and I’m not so self-assured. Now I find I’ve changed my mind, I’ve opened up the doors. Help me if you can, I’m feeling down. Help me get my feet back on the ground, won’t you please, please help me? And now my life has changed in oh so many ways, my independence seems to vanish in the haze. But every now and then I feel so insecure, I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before. Help me if you can?” So, I finally did it. Yep, I’m officially one of those now. I have a therapist. I know, I know, it’s been a long time coming right?, hell yea I’d be the first one to admit that. What can I say, no matter how I present myself out in public with all my friends, co-workers and clients, and attempt to always put on a brave face – I’m broken, damaged goods. Yes, still, after all this time. And I’m not going to lay it all on the feet of the person who started this unfortunate chain of events in my life over two years ago. Because it’s not her fault, or anyone else’s since then, it’s all on me. I allow myself to get hurt over, and over, and over again. I’m ready for all that pain to go away, and I do realize life is not perfect, and neither is anyone that I allow into my life. We all make mistakes, say the wrong things, or overthink any situation way too much. Me especially, in fact if there was a prison sentence for any of these crimes, I would have already been tossed into solitary confinement and had the key thrown away a long time ago.
So what have I learned after just one session with my new therapist? Well for one, I get assigned homework (dammit, and I thought those school days were way behind me?). But I’ll do as I am told, because I want to find my inner happiness again. And she said something that caught me off guard somewhat. How can I ever expect to find love again (the kind where they love you back the same) if I don’t love myself first? And she can already tell that I’m way too hard on myself, and I already knew that of course (anyone that has read my blog can tell me that right?). She also asked me not to “date” anyone for the next 30 days, which shouldn’t be too hard to do since I’ve really not dated anyone in quite some time. She also said to write down all the similarities of everyone that I’ve had some sort of dating relationship with over the past few years. I realize where she’s going with this, that I’m quite possibly drawn to the same type of woman. But that’s what I’m going to have some trouble with, because none of them are alike….at all. They’re all very different. So I’m not even sure where to go with this assignment? And there was one other opinion of hers that I didn’t see coming, one that I’ve never even once thought about in my entire life. Maybe the reason I always feel like I’m not good enough for someone, is that it possibly could come from some type of childhood trauma? While my parents were both good people, doing what they could to raise me properly, without any type of physical or mental abuse at all, they weren’t really affectionate or loving. There were no hugs, kisses, pats on the back, ‘atta-boys’, or anything like that. However, there were many, many times when I heard how disappointed that they were in me, along with all those other types of negatives. I just always chalked it up to their generation, them coming from the old-school way of parenting, how their parents may have raised them, and their parents before them? Maybe that’s why I’ve always been affectionate to my own kids, and not to dwell on any of their negatives that they may have been experiencing? And I always tried to be quick in praising the positive moments in their lives. Because like anyone else, they’ve had their share of ups and downs, but I constantly preached to them that that’s life, and don’t let those ‘downs’ get to you too much. But also don’t get to accustomed to those ‘highs’ either, just know that every day is going to be different.
So she wants to examine this more at our next session, and quite frankly that scares the holy crap out of me. Have I suppressed something so deep inside me that I don’t remember it? I know after my sister died at such a young age, there was always that dark cloud growing up, like sometimes I knew that at times my parents must have thought the wrong child died. And I understood that, because honestly I thought that I was always disappointing them in many ways. Hell, I still think that sometimes even after all these years. So if anything else, maybe she can help me push thru those feelings of not being good enough for someone who has rejected me? Because I myself have certainly rejected people before. And it never had anything to do with me thinking that they weren’t good enough, but instead I just didn’t have strong enough chemistry with them in thinking this could really go anywhere serious. So why can’t I have that same feeling when I myself get rejected by someone that I have feelings for? We’re all just trying to find our fit out there right? So while I never thought that I would need anybody’s help in any way when I was younger, those days are long gone. And in order to stop feeling so insecure, and to help get my feet back on the ground, I’ve opened up those doors. Though I’m not sure that I really want to see what’s behind those doors? So I pray that she can help me, if she can?