“I’m going back to a place that’s far away. How bout you, have you got a place to stay? Why should I care when I’m just trying to get along? We were friends, but now it’s the end of our love song. So let’s leave it alone, ’cause we can’t see eye to eye. There ain’t no good guy, there ain’t no bad guy. There’s only you and me and we just disagree”. So yea, back to the age old question, can one-time friends who then become lovers, break up, be friends again? Or to quote a famous line from ‘When Harry Met Sally’ – “men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way”. So personally speaking, I really did want to prove ol’ Harry wrong. Me and my ex were really good friends back in high school (not necessarily “best friends”, but we both valued our personal connection very much back then). Of course after high school, we eventually lost track of each other, lived our own lives, raised our own families, struggled thru our own failed marriages, and perhaps every few years we would bump into each other at the store and catch-up. And whenever we did, that light would always go off (you know what ‘light’ I’m talking about). And when we actually finally did have our moment years later, our chance to connect for real, we both took it and ran. And it was great, the best. But the thing I was most proud of, more than anything, was that I thought of her as my best friend in life. And that’s actually how I described her to most everyone I knew too. And even after she hit with the news that she had fallen out of love with me and was ready to move on to the next phase of her life, I was still determined to at least keep our friendship intact. I mean we always had that right? We can do this absolutely, if nothing else, we can not possibly fuck that up too.
Well, to cut to the chase, we can and we did. No matter what I said or promised her, I think in the back of her mind, she might have always thought I would eventually bad-mouth her to others in some way? Maybe the ghosts from her very own past have done her that way, and she expected it from me as well? And as many times as I promised her that I wouldn’t, I’m sure she still had doubts, and I can’t blame her. And I’m also sure it didn’t help that in the following few months after the end of our relationship, I probably didn’t give her enough space. Probably way too many texts just checking on her, either out of my personal loneliness, boredom, or just really missing her and her company. Looking back now, I should have just did what she wanted, shook her hand, thanked her for the nine years we had together, told her goodbye and then never look back. But I missed that close friendship we had. I missed my dogs too of course, a house to come home to every night, as well as her entire family (okay, well, at least most of them), the pool that we worked so hard to have built, and even my Gravely zero-turn mower (I know, weird right?). But more than anything else in the world, our friendship. So all this was new to me, I’ve never really been dumped like that before ya know. I didn’t know the rules, no one ever showed me, and unfortunately I probably didn’t handle it like I should have. And no before you ask, I never did bad-mouth her to any of our friends or anyone else that would have listened. I know that her daughter-in-law had the initial impression that maybe I was while writing this little blog of mine. Because I had reached out to her to let her know that I was writing about my life (and it seemed to be good therapy in a way for me as well). So I asked her to look at it when she had time because I felt like I was missing something, and wasn’t feeling like I was getting deep enough on some of it, and I know that I needed to. She definitely didn’t hold back with her thoughts after reading it, and she opened my eyes on some of my many failures (namely, not being there emotionally enough for her that week after the tragedy). I was taken aback at first, but it was the best thing that could have happened actually. Some of what she said I either didn’t know, or just didn’t remember. Or maybe I had closed my eyes to it all back then, hoping all the pain would go away in time? Hell, if that’s what I actually thought, then damn I don’t deserve anyone’s friendship, most of all her mother-in-law’s. And unfortunately now as you can guess, me and my ex are not friends anymore. For all these reasons, and most likely, probably more than I’m not even aware of? So maybe it’s just not possible in the real world to go from friends, to lovers, back to friends? No matter how hard we may try. And I hate that…
I say all this, because I have a friend in my life now that I would like it to be more, but she’s not ready. And you know, maybe I’m not actually ready to move on to that next stage just yet either? (no matter how I feel or what I say?) I mean it’s only been less than a year, so am I really ready? I think I am, and I say I am, but am I really? And I definitely don’t want to fuck up this friendship too. So we have an agreement between the two of us – we’ll continue to date others and see if there’s someone else out there for the both of us, someone who captures our passion, our lust, the proverbial “can’t live without them” feeling. And who knows, maybe in a few years, we’ll each discover there’s not someone else out there that fits that description? But if there is – great!, that’s what we want out of life right? Someone to come home to at night, be able to carry on a conversation with, to share a meal, wine and laughs with, and yes, passion too – in bed, the bath, the shower, the couch, or anywhere else when the urge hits. But more than anything, a deep, honest, true friendship. Because I don’t want to ever again have to say “we were friends, but now it’s the end of our love song”. Because that shit’s just too damn painful….