“Well you can tell everyone I’m a down disgrace, drag my name all over the place. I don’t care anymore. You can tell everybody about the state I’m in, you won’t catch me crying because I just can’t win. I don’t care anymore. Because I remember all the times I tried so hard, and you laughed in my face because you held all the cards. I don’t care anymore.” So after 10 months, do I really not care anymore? Do I not care anymore what anyone might think of me or what they might say to others about me? You see, that’s my weakness, one of my many faults that I mentioned on a earlier page. For whatever fucking reason (right or wrong?), I have always cared what people think or say about me. And I’m sure that there have been some that has basically implied to others that I am such an idiot, and that my ex is so much happier that I’m no longer in her life. And if that is true, then great, it really is, because I want her to be happy. And am I an idiot?, maybe I am? But if that is indeed the case, I’d like to think of myself as a “lovable idiot” at least? I know she has caught wind that I have a blog now, and of course her first impulse via a text several weeks back (which was the last time I heard from her) was that I used this to bad-mouth her in some way? But if you’ve followed any of this personal journey of mine, I think you know by now that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s been mostly self-help for me to start my life all over again, a way to get thru the murkiness of what once was my life, and start fresh again with a clean slate, and with no ghosts of others lurking nearby.
She’s always been a strong woman, and I know without a doubt that she probably thinks I’m weak and pathetic by doing this. She would quickly tell me to “man up, grow a pair, get over it”, because that’s how she rolls. I’m not saying that to be negative at all, but I know her well enough to know that’s exactly what she would say. But truthfully, I don’t care anymore, because I like being able to write all my random thoughts and whatever I’m feeling at the moment down. And it does help me to also continue to keep searching for that next chapter in my very own journey. And if anybody asks me, I would strongly recommend doing this as well. Or see a professional therapist, or both? Whatever it takes to get over the pain, there’s no wrong answer here. Hey, this is coming from someone who has had much help to get thru my very own self-pain. Including partaking in much liquor, being prescribed anti-depressant medication by my doctor, some female companionship at times, and writing this little blog of mine. Along of course with the biggest help of all to help get me thru it – time. Yes, it’s a worn-out cliche I know, but time does heal all wounds. Listen there’s no wrong answers, I’m a big fan of just doing whatever it takes….no matter what others might think?
This blog started out (and in some ways still is maybe?) as a fairy-tale type of love story that unfortunately got cut short unexpectedly because of an unforeseen tragedy. And how does that man (okay me) pick up the pieces of what once was his shattered life and begin anew, as he quickly approaches his sixth decade of life. That’s all it is basically, it’s a story of me. It’s not being used to trash anyone from my past or present. I have nothing but great memories that I will always cherish. If there’s any negativity that I do put out there, it’s mostly about my own actions or words that I wish I could now take back. So if anyone (no matter who it may be?) is saying that I’m a down disgrace or they’re dragging my name all over the place?, truthfully I don’t care anymore. I really hope that’s not the case, but if so, I’m past it now. I can’t dwell on what others might think or say about me, because I’m too busy trying to find my own happiness now. And I’m getting closer to it every day. And besides, I don’t care anymore.