“The valentines I never knew, the Friday night charades of youth. Were spent on one more beautiful, at seventeen I learned the truth. And those of us with ravaged faces, lacking in the social graces. Desperately remained at home. Inventing lovers on the phone, at seventeen I learned the truth.” I know this particular Janis Ian song was originally written for the women who grew up feeling inadequate, maybe somewhat unworthy of affection, or just completely lost as they were being judged by their peers. But also, these lyrics can resonate with men too in a way, looking back on their own youth (as I have from time to time, even now in the later stages of my life). Right or wrong, I’ve always had this feeling all thru my adulthood that maybe I’m not good enough? And yes, it does stem from my childhood, especially my teen years of growing up as one of the shortest kids in school. Along with a face full of freckles, pimples and straight hair, being raised by blue collar parents who were doing their absolute best to stretch a dollar from week to week, just to pay the bills. And here I was, trying to fit in with several of my classmates who had pools in their backyards, pinball machines inside their homes, new cars, and well, basically the best of everything. Things that I, and many others like me, would kill to have. And of course, as was usually the case back then, their pick of girls too.
You know that’s the thing about one’s youth, those feelings you had all those decades ago usually sticks with you still now, thru adulthood and as we now approach those “golden years”. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great career that I love and I know that I’m fortunate to have. And I’ve been told by many people that they would do anything to have my job, and I do make pretty good bank too (especially for Arkansas), but many times I feel like one day that they’re all going to find out that I’m a fraud. That I don’t belong, that I’m not worthy to have a career in media, writing commercials that thousands of people hear on a daily basis, and being in the same social circles as all the “pretty people”. And don’t even get me started with that feeling of inadequacy when it comes to my dating life. I mean I know who I am and where I came from (while they may not?), no matter how much as I try to keep it under wraps. I’m still that same short kid in the late 1970’s, playing nerf basketball in my bedroom while listening as the Bee Gees, or Boston, or Cheap Trick belt out their latest songs on the radio. And all this in a one-bathroom house, covered wall to wall with paneling and a floral-designed couch in the living room. So deep down, that is still me, as much as I hate to say it out loud. And so perhaps if I was a single woman now, and I knew the absolute truth about my upbringing, I would definitely keep searching for someone so much better than me as well? Someone with a better pedigree and background than what I have to offer anyone. Yea sure I’m funny, clever somewhat perhaps, quick-witted, and I know I’m definitely not hideous, but I don’t come from “good stock” as they might say?
And no, this isn’t a pity party, it’s completely gut-wrenching honesty here (and sure, maybe several shots of whiskey has helped me with this self-examination of mine?). But don’t we all in a way still think of ourselves as that same person going thru adolescence back in the day? And I know some were very lucky and had great childhoods, with a stay-at-home mother and a father who had a great job. But many of us had to struggle, or should I say our parents had to struggle? As they juggled bills, robbing Peter to pay Paul, and most successfully hid it from their kids, just to survive from week to week. Hell, me and my daughters’ mom I had to do the same thing when raising our oldest daughter, in fact I remember having to wait till Christmas Eve one year to get the majority of her presents from Santa. Not a proud moment for sure, but you do what you have to do for your kids. Just like my parents did for me. So while I may not be “good enough” for some people (or maybe I am, and that’s just those feelings of my youth and background coming into play along with a lot of self doubt?), it is who I am. And I could think of a lot worse places in life that I could be at than where I am at this very moment in time. So while I did learn the truth at seventeen, at fifty-eight, I’m now okay with who I am, even if I still do lack in the social graces.