“Treating today as though it was the last, the final show. Get to sixty and feel no regret, it may take a little time. A lonely path, an uphill climb. Success or failure will not alter it. And do you feel scared?, I do. And I won’t stop and falter. And if we threw it all away, things can only get better.” Getting to sixty and feel no regret, is that really possible? My opinion is no, no way in hell does someone not feel some sort of regret in life, or remorse, or that feeling of if you could do it all over again, what would you have done differently? I mean I have many regrets in life, wrong choices or inappropriate spoken words that I should have made otherwise. But then I think had I made what I look back on now as the right choice, maybe taking a left instead of a right, would my life had turned out differently? Well, depending on the circumstance and how important it may have been at that moment in time, well quite possibly? So maybe I shouldn’t look back on any of that as a regret, because I actually like where I’m at right now and where life has taken me. Could it have turned out better?, sure it could have I suppose. But then again, it could have turned out a lot worse too. So as I am nearing that ol’ ripe age of sixty, any regrets that I do have are far and few between. Of course I wish that I could have been a better husband to my daughters’ mom as they were growing up. And rightfully so a better father to them, a role model that they could have looked up to more perhaps? They’ve never said to me that I wasn’t a good role model in their eyes, but I know that I could have always done better obviously.
But what I am certain of is that I am in a good place in life today. Not only do I have the love of those same two daughters, but I’m still in the same career that I began back in 1997 (with only nine years to go before retirement). And though I had to deal with some pain, hurt and loss the past year, I seem to have overcome that as well. Think about it less and less now and that dark cloud of depression has finally left me. And I’m not lonely anymore either, I have a great group of friends around me at all times. And yea, I still do have strong feelings for one person in particular that, well, maybe nothing will ever come of it other than a deep, caring friendship? If so, I’ll still consider myself one lucky bastard for that special connection. But there is still time, so we shall see. I’m not in any hurry and hopefully neither one of us is going anywhere anytime soon? And if it’s not meant to be with her, well, I’m sure other options will eventually present itself right? As the Stuart Smalley quote goes – “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it people like me”.
So what exactly is in my future as I rapidly transition into the “golden years” as they like to call it? Other than my health starting to break down, more and more prescription meds to take, and gloating over grandchildren – I don’t know, I really don’t. I’m not really sure what I’d like to happen for or to me? But I can’t control what’s in front of me or in store for me in the next few years anymore than I can control any decisions that I’ve made in the past that I may now look back on with regret. Hopefully success or failure will not alter my future. And hopefully nothing will happen to make me feel scared? But I won’t stop and falter, because I know that things can only get better.