“Day turned black, sky ripped apart. Rained for a year, till it dampened my heart. Cracks and leaks, the floorboards caught rot. About to go down, I had almost forgot. All I got to do is to love you. All I got to be is, be happy. All it’s got to take is some warmth to make it. Blow away, blow away, blow away. Sky cleared up, day turned to bright. Closing both eyes now the head filled with light. Hard to remember what a state I was in. Instant amnesia, yang to the yin. Blow away, blow away, blow away.” Looking back over this past year or so in my life, one that I can honestly say was the worst year ever for me (but then again we are talking about 2020, so that’s probably true for most people right?), I still can’t really believe how low I sank at times. And I’m not usually one who gets easily depressed, in fact I never felt that way four years ago when I was battling cancer. Perhaps it was a combination of my mother dying, followed by the world being paralyzed by covid (with my own income taking a huge hit because of it), and then the cherry on top of it all, being given the heave-ho by someone who I had planned to spend the rest of my life with. And all this, within just a matter of a few months too. So yea, while to most people, falling into a deep despair might actually seem very understandable after all that being piled on top in such a short time, I’m still not that guy. Or at least I never thought I was?
But hey, as Barry Manilow once sang about , “I made it through the rain”. And I’m not saying that it was always easy, because obviously it wasn’t. There were many moments (okay fine, hours, okay dammit, days) of self-doubt, the occasional pity party, and of course the unsure path of going forward. But I realized all I’ve got to do, the thing that is most important for my well being, is to be happy. Or at least to learn how to be happy once again (because I am a pretty happy guy for the most part). So once our old friend ‘the passing of time’ finally kicked in, and helped me to ease that pain (along with my other friends alcohol and meds), I did begin to rediscover my happiness. The skies did start to clear up for me, and the days did turn bright as the doom and gloom finally disappeared. Not saying there aren’t still moments where I ponder the past, but much like the crumbs on my plate, I’m now able to push it to the side for the most part. And try to remember just the good times (which there were plenty of), and not necessarily the hurt and pain that I unfortunately experienced at the end of my prior life.
I’m not sure if I will ever find love again? And to be honest, none of us (especially at our age) are sure of that either. But damn, like most everyone else in the same position as I am, I sure as hell hope so. If not, one thing this past year has taught me, is that I can survive being alone. I now know that my life doesn’t have to feel complete with a ‘plus one’ (though I do eventually want that of course). But if it’s not in the cards for me, I’ll be okay. I’ve got friends (damn I got some friends, very dear friends) in my life that make me happy. And that’s all I’ve got to be really, is to be happy. So a little more than one year later, it is sometimes hard to remember what a state I was in. Thank god for instant amnesia, or yang to the yin as George Harrison sang about. And all those dark memories of feeling like my life was over, they can now all blow away, blow away, blow away.