“As the sun hides his head for another night’s rest, and the wind sings his same old song. And you on the edge never close, never far. Always there when I needed a friend. But it’s hard living life on this memory-go-round. Always up, always down, spinning around and around and around. All this could be just a dream so it seems. I was never much good at goodbye.” In all seriousness, how good can a personal blog be if you don’t quote some classic Night Ranger lyrics at least one time amirite? Twenty months ago, my oldest daughter and I were at my mother’s bedside having to say a final goodbye to her as she drew her last breath, losing a four-year battle with Alzheimer’s, as well as a series of mild strokes. Just a few months later (or 500+ days ago now), I then had to say goodbye to someone in my life that I never thought I would have to. And as you know by now, it wasn’t my choice, she wanted to move on. But I got thru that final goodbye with a smile and a shrug (saving the pain that I was about to go thru for another day). And earlier this morning I was standing with many of my relatives at a graveside service for an uncle, who left behind his wife of 44 years, two sons and his granddaughters. All of whom were having to experience their very own goodbyes for a truly loving and good man. And in a way, I also had to say a personal goodbye today to someone who I’ve been very close to over the past year. Someone who has really been my very best friend over the course of all that time. Who helped me get thru some depression, and made me realize that perhaps the best memories of my life are still to be made? Someone who I’ve shared so many countless laughs with, drinks with (yea, those are countless too, even a calculator wouldn’t be able to help tabulate), and even a vacation in Key West with. However this goodbye wasn’t harsh by any means, and I’m sure it won’t be permanent in the long run. But it was necessary for now….for both of us really. For her and her own hurt that she’s having to deal with in her life from the pain of a divorce that she still hasn’t fully recovered from. She doesn’t need to add any more confusion on top of all that, she still needs some time to heal, so that she can move on in a healthy way. And I’m afraid our close friendship was in a way hindering her from that goal. And it was probably necessary for me as well, so that I can truly open my heart up for the real possibility of finding love again. Maybe with someone who for whatever reason thinks I’m some sort of catch. (yea, I don’t get it either?) And perhaps eventually find the kind of love where I won’t think twice about throwing all caution to the wind, and risk all that possible pain, hurt and rejection once again. Yea, that sounds like a shitload of fun huh?
But I can’t take that next step and roll the dice again, if I’m still constantly thinking about my best friend. How she’s doing?, is she okay?, does she need some company?, someone to talk to?, to laugh with?, and yea, to drink that day’s blues and frustration away? So I made the decision (and I hope it’s the right decision?) to give her some much needed space. And no, before you ask, she didn’t tell me to “beat it” or “tell my story walking” like the previous woman in my life did over 500 days ago. This was all my doing, and I believe it was the right thing to do….for both of us. So that we can move on with our lives, and not constantly doubt ourselves and our actions. She shouldn’t have to always worry about me, our close friendship, and where it may or may not be going. And I shouldn’t have to be in some sort of holding pattern, not fully committing to someone out of the chance that there could still be something, perhaps a future?, with us. Again, none of that is fair to either one of us. And the last thing, the very last thing, we want to do, is hurt the other. Which is probably the reason we never got past the ‘friend zone’ in our relationship, because even though we do love each other, the “falling in love” stage was most likely never going to happen. Because dammit we were both so tired of getting hurt, why risk it?
So all this to say, I’m think I’m ready to take a chance, a real chance this time, and open my heart up for love. Relax, it won’t happen tomorrow, next week, or hell maybe not even next year. But unless I stop closing my eyes and my heart, and let whatever comes my way happen, then I’m going to continue to be in this holding pattern. And I gotta admit, it sucks at times. I’ve obviously dated other women since I first met this best friend of mine, and she knew about every one of them (what can I say, our openness to be honest with each other, well, okay it’s a little strange). And I’ve told her about the latest one who I’ve started seeing recently. And she of course wants me to be happy, just as much as I want her to be happy. So, we shall see I suppose? I don’t claim to know a whole lot, but what I do know is two things. One is that we both will eventually find love again. And two, this time apart from seeing each other and catching up over drinks, the daily texting, and sharing funny memes I’m sure won’t be permanent. It’s just the time apart we both need right now to move on in our lives, and maybe find out what truly makes us happy. Okay, the sharing of funny memes might be difficult to stop, but the rest of it, yea. She obviously knows that she will always be very special to me, because she was always there when I needed a friend. I was really never much good at goodbyes, and truthfully I’m still not. So instead of goodbye, how about I just go with adieu?, at least for now. Yea, I know it means the same thing, but it’s French, so maybe it can be translated to “catch ya later“?