Someday, we’ll get it together and we’ll get it all done. Someday, when your head is much lighter. Someday, we’ll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun. Someday, when the world is much brighter. Ooh-oo child, things are gonna be easier. Ooh-oo child, things will get brighter.” Here I am, just two days short of my 500th day anniversary of when I had to start my new life over. Wait, what is the traditional anniversary gift for 500 days?, is it crystal?, linen?, or silver? (I could never remember). But looking back at it all now, as each day passes by and each memory of that former life of mine starts to fade, in many ways it seems like it was indeed a lifetime ago. What used to make me happy (really, truly happy), well I can’t remember what it was now. Is it because of some jedi mind trick that has come over me perhaps?, one that hardly recognizes that former me? Or maybe it’s an early sign of dementia, when I can only recall brief flashbacks from just a few years ago? Or maybe it’s just simply the passage of time that helps to erase all the pain and hurt that I went thru after the break-up of my former relationship? Whatever it is (and quite possibly it’s a combination of all that?), I’m thankful that I did get thru it, and survived. And coming out the other side of it a changed man, one that is making himself and his happiness the top priority. It sounds selfish right?, sure, maybe it is in some ways. But damn, I’ve spent so much of my adulthood trying to please others, and making them the priority in my life, that this new stage of being the new me feels pretty fucking amazing ya know? So selfish or not, I want to ride this out and see what happens. And don’t get me wrong, my two daughters and my grandson are still the most important things to me, but both the girls are adults now and can take care of themselves. And my lil’ man has his parents to look out after him on a daily basis, which right now just means changing his diaper and feeding him when he’s hungry (what a life huh?).
So what would I tell that former me (a shell of a man that I am today) almost 500 days ago, who was brokenhearted, deeply hurt, and clueless on what comes next for him? Who found himself for those first three weeks with no possessions other than a mattress and a TV? (remember it was in the middle of a pandemic and furniture was having to be back-ordered). Well I would just say to him that he is still loved by many, whether he realizes it or not. That he will soon meet new people in his life that will help fill that empty void. That he will get it together and that someday his world will be much brighter. Which is pretty much what I would say to anyone now that might be in his same exact shape that he was back then, almost 500 days ago. You might ask did it ever get so bad and so dark for me then that I might have had suicidal thoughts randomly going thru my head? Sure it did, I ain’t gonna lie, but most people have thought that a time or two in their lives when they too were down. But they were just fleeting thoughts, that disappeared just as quickly as they appeared. Besides, what was I gonna do?, shoot myself? c’mon, I don’t even own a gun, haven’t even shot one since my Air Force days back in the mid-80’s. Or maybe I could overdose? However, the only meds that I had in my possession were losartan and advil, so unless I wanted to off myself by extremely lowering my blood pressure, it was a pretty safe bet that I would live to see tomorrow. And I realized too that with each passing day that went by, it eventually did start to get better for me. But I just wanted it all to get better NOW, not tomorrow, not next week, and especially not in 500 days.
All this to say, goddammit I’m happy now. With my life, my job, my circle of close friends (both the old and the new), and my small little family of three that I’ve already mentioned. But most of all, I’m happy with me and the man that I’ve become since all that sadness went down. Hell, I’m happy, she’s obviously happy now, the new man in her life I’m sure is even happy, and at our age and at this stage in all of our lives, isn’t that what really matters the most? And I don’t even find myself blogging as much either, because I no longer really need the self-therapy that it provided me during those dark, lonely days. I do it now because, well my fan club demands it!!!, kiddin’ of course, but seriously, I still do it because I enjoy doing it. So after two days short of these past 500 days, I’m pleased to say that things have gotten easier…. and brighter for me. My head is much lighter, and it feels good to walk in the rays of a beautiful sun again. I’ve finally gotten it together and I’m getting it all done with the help of everyone in my life (both the old and the new).