She May Be….

“She may be the love that cannot hope to last, may come to me from shadows of the past.  That I remember till the day I die.  She may be the reason I survive, the why and wherefore I’m alive.  The one I’ll care for through the rough and ready years.  Me, I’ll take her laughter and her tears, and make them all my souvenirs.  For where she goes I’ve got to be.  The meaning of my life is….she.” So, as I look outside my window at work, across these dark, gloomy skies, I realize in many ways that’s basically my life as I continue to go it alone. For what started out as a tool to help me get thru some deep dark days well over a year ago, now I rarely think about posting a blog (unless I’m feeling down about my life of course). But I don’t want to do that anymore, in fact for the first time ever, I deleted the last blog I wrote fairly quickly because it was a little bit out of disappointment in myself, unnecessary pity, and truthfully I used that blog to vent somewhat. So yes, while the good days do fortunately outnumber the bad for me, I shouldn’t just write down my random thoughts about life on those dark days. But instead, use it for the positivity of the path going forward, and my search to find happiness once again. And I know I won’t completely find that again until I meet ‘the one’ (or should I say “the next one”). Whoever she is?, and where ever she is?

So why the rush to find her you ask? Well, besides my age and knowing I may not have as much time left in my life as I did yesterday, I also miss that feeling of being wanted by someone as much as I want them. There’s not a better feeling in the world, it’s even better than a huge Razorback win (and that’s saying a lot). And perhaps impatience is the reason that I’ve so far failed at finding love again? I’ve met a couple of incredible women over the past almost two years, but I’ve either disappointed them (okay, there’s no “either” there, I did disappoint them), or give them plenty of reasons to be frustrated with me, or, well, hell, there’s so many other reasons I’m sure? But I’ve never lied or misled them in any way, and that’s saying a lot for a guy right? So I guess I can hang my hat on that, whatever that may get me? But hopefully we’re still friends? God I hope so, but I honestly don’t know, maybe that door is shut for me as well now? And if it is, I’ll take the blame, because truthfully I’m still clueless on how all this works? Seriously, is there a book on kindle about dating in your 50’s, with all the do’s and don’ts that I can order? If so, I’m in, because I could use all the help I can get.

So wherever “she” is, or whenever “she” may appear in my life, I’ll wait, because after all what choice do I really have? And until that day does come, I’ve got to learn how to be happy without someone to fill that void in my life. So far it’s not been as easy as I would have hoped, but what is? As great as my life is (and I do know that it is), I also know that the true meaning of my life is “she”. Maybe “she” will come to me from the shadows of my past?, or perhaps it’s someone that I have yet to meet? All I know is that if that day ever does come, I’ll take her laughter and her tears, and care for her through the years. For where “she” is, that’s where I’ve got to be. Because she’ll be the reason I survive, and why I’m still alive.