“In this world of right and wrong, the hardest part is beginning. By the time you find where you belong, you’re either losing or winning. Well I don’t know how, but people seem to know. When you want somebody bad enough, well I want you now and wherever you go, I’m gonna love ya till you’ve had enough. Cause if everyone had a heart, yours would never be broken. If anybody had a heart like mine. When you love somebody, you may stumble, you may fall. But if you love somebody hard enough, maybe you can get it all?” Good question right?, can you really get it all? btw, if you recognize the lyrics to the song that I’m quoting from in this blog, then you must either be a huge John Waite fan?, or more than likely (as the case is with me), a fan of one of the greatest 80’s movies of all time – ‘About Last Night’? We all remember that final scene right?, when Rob Lowe goes chasing after Demi Moore as she rides off into the sunset on her bike, as this song plays over the credits. And as a movie geek myself, I’ve actually stood several times at that same exact site by the ballfields in Chicago close to the shoreline just a short walk to Soldier Field. Oh yea, back to why I chose this song, and how it relates to my present life? Well, at my age it’s easy to lose hope that you’ll ever find happiness again. And yes, I know that I do have some happiness in my life of course, my two daughters and grandson, my job, and my friends. But it won’t be truly complete happiness until somebody falls in love with me again. So what keeps me going, with the hope that it will happen for me again?
In all honesty, I’m actually not sure what keeps me going?, what keeps me hoping? Some days are darker than others, but just when I think that I’m going to end up like my dad, living alone for the past 34 years, still pining away thinking of my deceased mom who left him in 1988, a moment seems to occur that still gives me some hope at least. And that latest moment of hope arrived last night when I got home from joining some friends at a trivia contest. I had been feeling down over the past few weeks, believing that maybe all I’m good at is disappointing people in my life?, people that I’m very fond of, people that I love. And maybe I am my own worst enemy? But as soon as I opened the door when I got home, a good friend of mine who is also a neighbor, texted asking since it was such a beautiful night, if I’d like to share some wine on the balcony. “Sure, come on up” I said. And no, before you ask, there’s no romance there, we’re strictly just good friends. Besides, she’s one of my oldest daughter’s besties and they’re the same age (or as she has corrected me in the past by saying “uh, actually 2 years younger”). Our conversation over wine quickly turned into finding our true soulmates, that perfect person to share our lives with. While I’m still fairly new to this game, she’s been experiencing it for awhile now, at least for the past dozen years or so? And she may finally have that person for her now?, at least it looks good so far, although they do live in different states. And I’ve actually met him too, good guy. So I’m definitely hoping for the best for her.
And she knows what I’m going thru, we’ve talked about it over meals and plenty of wine before obviously, but not like we did last night. And she was very straightforward with her take on me and my life (hey, she never pulls any punches, Chicago women usually don’t). She suggested that I should look into talking with a professional, for the help that I might need to fully restart my life. And though I do have a huge heart, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I will ever find anyone to share my life, and that heart of mine, with again. Because chances are maybe I won’t? And if that is indeed the case, I need to find my happiness as someone who may very well be alone for the rest of my life. Because obviously I can’t make anyone fall in love with me. Hey, I’ve tried, it ain’t working. And if we were just going by the size of my heart, who knows, maybe I’d have them lined up outside the door? But of course there’s so many other factors that go into having someone take a chance on you right? So in this world of right and wrong, the hardest part is indeed the beginning, which is really where I’m still stuck at. So where exactly is it that I do belong in this world? And wherever it is, between all this stumbling and falling that I’m doing, it’s likely that I’m probably losing right now, not winning. And for fuck’s sake I want to win, and I want to love again. Hopefully I will get that chance one more time. And if does happen for me, then perhaps I really will get it all?
quite possibly my favorite blog thus far….