“I can see that you’ve got fire in your eyes and pain inside your heart. So many things have come and torn your world apart. An empty hand reaching out for someone, an empty heart takes so little to fill. It’s so much easier to push instead of pull. I believe in fate and destination. But so much of that lies in our own hands. If you know what you want, just go on out and get it. Don’t give up, if you want love, you’ve got to give a little. If you want faith, you just believe a little. If you want peace, turn your cheek a little. Oh, you’ve got to give to live.” I heard this Sammy Hagar song yesterday, and the lyrics really resonated with me. And this coming from someone who much more favored Van Halen than Van Hagar (what can I say?, Diamond Dave was the ultimate front man). But Sammy was right about one thing, other than the fact that you can’t drive 55. It’s that if you really do know what you want, just go out and get it. And not to give up. And I suppose that my own personal take after all this time of having to go thru various periods of hurt, pain, anger, depression and finally yes, acceptance (or wait, are those the five stages of grief?) over the past nearly 17 months is that the next step in my life does lie in my own hands. But what exactly is that next step?, seriously I’m asking, what is it?, can someone please tell me?
I say all this because perhaps I’ve been guilty of being a little afraid, cautious, guarded, and maybe even emotionally not available when it comes to truly opening my heart to someone again. But why you ask?, well, that’s a good question. The simple answer is that I truly don’t want to have to go thru those same exact feelings of grief, uh, I mean heartbreak again. So maybe it’s just some form of self-preservation?, a type of wall that I’ve built up so that I don’t have to experience those feelings of pain yet once more? Sure it works, but is it worth it? Could I be taking a huge chance on possibly opening my heart up for someone, and finding love and happiness for a second, okay third, fine, for one more time then? That formidable stone wall of protecting my feelings has been lowering one small layer at a time since I had to start my life all over, but not as fast as I would like it to. Or as fast as others would have liked it to. But I’m getting there, I know I am, little by little. I just hope when that wall does finally come crashing down into pieces of debris around my feet, that it’s not too late for me. Because I really don’t want to be the main subject in a news story one day, about his neighbors noticing a strange smell coming from inside his home. And that the coroner suspects that he had been deceased for several months, but no one knew. Okay, that might be a little morbid, but you catch my drift (no pun intended).
So what’s next for me?, and where do I go from here? Well, while I still of course have some pain inside my heart after my world was torn apart, it’s not quite that empty any more. I do still have faith that the light of happiness is right in front of me (or is that a train?). And I obviously already know what I want, so why not just go out and get it? I want love, joy and happiness – pure and simple. Just like anyone else does. So I’m not going to give up any time soon. Because after all, it is in my own hands. And as Sammy sang about, I’ve got to learn to give to live. And I know that I haven’t been giving enough of myself or my heart to others. And I want to start, no matter if it doesn’t turn out the way I want it to. The only thing left then is, actually doing it!