“I can’t get to sleep, I think about the implications. Of diving in too deep and possibly the complications. Especially at night, I worry over situations that I know will be all right. It’s just overkill. And day after day it reappears, and night after night my heartbeat shows the fear. Ghosts appear and fade away”. I’ve really always liked this song from Men at Work. I believe it’s basically about the experience we sometimes all go through of stepping into the unknown. And the fear of not only that, but also knowing that what is going to eventually happen is inevitable. And those damn ghosts?, they definitely continue to appear and fade away (albeit slowly) in my life still. But I do have to trust the process, I mean what choice do I have right? And what exactly is inevitable for me? Should I continue to stay in a holding pattern and wait…and wait…and wait some more for that one favorite person of mine that I have developed strong feelings for in the past few months (which my good friend and favorite client strongly suggest I do)? However as I’ve told him, she has been completely forthcoming and honest with me and said as much as she does enjoy my company, my friendship and our time together, that the passion, that magic that we all want and desire in a partner, is not there for her. And she has basically told me (not in these exact terms but close) not to wait for her, to move on, and to find that person that does feel that same way for me as I do her.
So yea, while I could always just fall back to my option ‘B’ (and yea, I know that sounds horrible as I say it out loud), that person doesn’t deserve to be mine or anyone else’s second choice. So now I find myself back to those restless nights, of tossing and turning, worrying over situations that I know will eventually be all right. And questioning myself why can’t I fall in love with someone as fast as my ex has? In fact, she’s moving in with her new man ‘Ray’ this weekend. And after giving up both the dogs and her house for him, it shows me without a doubt that she has finally found the man of her dreams, her one true love in life. The guy she was always meant to be with. Both of them are very lucky to have that, and I really do want that for her. Fuck I want that for myself, who doesn’t? But is it in the cards for me?, is she out there somewhere, waiting in her very own holding pattern?, who wants and desires me as much as I do her?
Perhaps this is now my own personal hell that I have to travel? Alone, despondent, with no hope of ever finding that feeling again? And if so, in all seriousness don’t I deserve that after every mistake, after all the hurt, and after all the pain that I’ve inflicted on others? Maybe I’ve caused so much damage in the past, that now it’s finally time to reap all of what I’ve sowed? As those ghosts that continue to appear and fade away are apparently trying to tell me? So while I don’t want this new life of mine, this constant feeling of loneliness, the self-pity and the guilt of my past mistakes, I know that I can survive it…whether I want to or not?