Man in the Mirror

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways, because you better change.  No message could have been any clearer, if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make the change.  You gotta get it right, while you got the time.  Because when you close your heart, you can’t close your mind.” I’ve actually been thinking about writing a blog to the lyrics of this song for awhile now, mostly when I’m in my truck and it comes on the radio. Because while it’s not my favorite Michael Jackson song (probably not even in my top 20 to be honest), it truly may be the most meaningful? Why do I think that?, because to me it basically means that we should always try to improve ourselves. And do I have a lot to improve on right? My relationships with both my daughters for one, as great as I think they might be, I do know it could always be better, an even more closer, meaningful connection to them perhaps? Especially with my youngest, because she has even said there appears to be some sort of disconnect with us. I don’t see it personally, but if she does?, then there must be one. Also, my spirituality is something that I need to strengthen if I can? Not necessarily a “religious” thing, because who’s to say what the right belief is?, or what the wrong one is? I just know that I’m missing something in my life to make me feel whole. And no, for once, I’m not necessarily talking about filling that void with a special person, cause we know I’m clueless when it comes to that. I’ve either ran off a couple of great women after dating them, beautiful lovely women, each with great souls, and who obviously have much better options than me. Or maybe I’ve even been guilty of scaring one or two off after a few back-and-forth texts before even having the chance to meet in person, because, well, not really sure on that one?, maybe I came across too needy, maybe too aloof, or just maybe too impatient. But regardless I’ll take the blame on it all. Which ironically is another flaw about me that I probably should change? Always saying “I’m sorry”, when I haven’t actually done anything wrong. But there’s worse traits one can have I suppose?, especially when it comes to us guys.

So what is about me that I really do need to change? I know no matter what changes that I do make, it’s not gonna make “the world” a better place, but if can help me become a better version of myself, well hell I’m all for it. It’s been nearly two years since I hit rock bottom, and started my life all over again. And for some reason, there’s always been that “wall” that has prevented me from being the guy I really think I can be, that I want to be. Sure that “wall” isn’t near the size it was then, in fact now I think can almost straddle it instead of having to climb it. But I can’t ever be 100% until I kick that sonofabitch into tiny little pebbles, so small that even my grandson can crawl over. And while I can’t do anything about getting older, or my hairline disappearing, I can do something about being more caring to others, showing more empathy, being less sarcastic, and stop trying to be humorous and cutting a joke all the time. Nobody likes a clown that’s always on the clock amirite? A couple of my co-workers have asked me lately why I’m so quiet in the mornings at the office. I don’t really have a good answer, it’s definitely not because I don’t get enough sleep (though there have been a few nights here & there that I don’t get my usual 7 ½ hours). So while I’m not sure why the morning mood is, I do think much of it is due to me being dissatisfied with life, and truthfully, dissatisfied with myself.

So where do I go from here?, and what exactly do I need to do to make those changes, to make myself a better, well, me? The first thing I know that I should do (that I should have done a long time ago honestly), is to find a therapist. Someone to actually talk to, instead of me just blogging about it. Someone who has the knowledge, professionalism and expertise to, well to be bluntly, kick my ass back into gear. To help me move ahead and appreciate what I do have (which is the love of my little family, a great circle of friends, a nice career, and perhaps most importantly, my good health), and not what I don’t have, which is someone to share it all with. Because quite frankly, that may never happen for me again. Besides, I already know that I have enough to be thankful for, anything else is the gravy on top. So to that man in the mirror (yes you, the one that’s sucking his gut in right now, trying to look thinner), take a look at yourself and where you’re presently at in life, and start changing your way now before it’s too late. Because I wanna get it right, while I still have the time.